Opinion: Public revenge not so sweet

Affairs can be painful and should be out of the public eye. Photo/Getty

Always the last to know. I could never understand that.

It's not as if men are that good at lying. Research shows women are better at it. If that's the case why is it that the wife or partner are the last ones to know an affair is afoot?

The signs are well documented. Hubby starts looking in the mirror, taking more interest in his appearance. He buys new underwear to replace his worn, torn jocks.

He visits the gym, after years of slothing about, something he always tried to avoid. Buys Calvin Klein for Men aftershave and moisturiser.

And the biggest giveaway of all, starts to change his stay at home routine by finding reasons to go out, and stay out, on his own. Well known signs family relationship counsellors say are easy to spot. I wonder if wives or partners can't or just don't want to see what is glaringly obvious.

Last week the whole country found out Mrs Gaylyne Fowler of Hawera was the last person to know her husband had been unfaithful. And with one of her best friends. She went public. Even her son knew about the affair that wasn't the "casual one-off" Mr Fowler claimed when finally caught out.

The son found out about the affair early on and was so upset he uploaded photos of his father and "the other woman" from his father's computer and mobile phone.

After months of shouldering the heavy burden of his father's affair he finally confided in his aunt. She acted swiftly and informed Mrs Fowler.

Devastated, Mrs Fowler confronted her husband but accepted his apology and explanation, "a lapse of judgment on one occasion only". You can just see it coming can't you. Why wouldn't she accept his explanation? She hadn't seen any signs so she wouldn't think there was anything wrong with her marriage. "Once only" seems plausible.

It's true so often we see only what we want to see. And believe only what we want to believe. If we do have an inkling something doesn't ring true we convince ourselves "I must be imagining it". Why not make sure and ask outright "are you carrying on with someone, having an affair"?

I would guess most women know when their husbands or partners are lying. Rather than ask the crucial question some prefer to remain unaware and innocent of the truth.
But when she finally learnt of the affair, her husband and her best friend, and that it had been going on for months Mrs Fowler decided to act. And her actions landed her in court.

She collected naked photos of the woman and printed and copied them on to A4 paper. She then distributed them around Hawera. She must have been watching the TV programme that recommends "don't get angry get even".

Her "revenge porn" attack saw her found guilty in court of offensive behaviour and fined $250. Mrs Fowler was married for 25 years, has children and grandchildren. She regrets the conviction, now recorded against her name, but doesn't regret her actions.

When a marriage ends in this sad manner you can't help but feel sorry for all involved, including Mr Fowler. He's lost the respect of family and friends. Lives have been turned upside down. Friends, possibly family, may want to take sides.

Often they do. Property will be sold, lives and jobs needing to be rebuilt. Children and grandchildren coping with parents and grandparents who can't be civil to each other.

Revenge, no matter how deserving, is rarely sweet. It may feel good at the time. But there is always a down side. Children get caught up in the aftermath.

You wonder if in this case things couldn't have been played out differently. Did the whole country need to know there is a woman in Taranaki scorned by her husband? We do now and although Mrs Fowler says she doesn't regret her actions, I do. There is a time and place for everything.

A public place is not where you play out the end of a 25-year marriage. An affair may be public, a marriage is not.

Merepeka Raukawa-Tait lives in Rotorua. She writes, speaks and broadcasts to thwart the spread of political correctness.