Merepeka Raukawa-Tait: Match made in tough negotiation

Unlike the unfortunate groom in India, Rotorua's Nirajan Raj told the Rotorua Daily Post recently his arranged marriage to Shareen was a perfect match.

I have often wondered about arranged marriages - where the parents or family elders seek out an acceptable partner for their children to marry. There are "official matchmakers" in some faiths too.

Everyone works together to ensure the best match possible is made. I'm sure in some cases a big wedding dowry has powers of persuasion too. I've wondered how difficult it was for a woman to extricate herself from an "unhappy" arranged marriage.

You don't hear of it happening all that often. What we do hear are the horror stories. But perhaps with all the effort that still goes into arranged marriages they do have a better chance of success than our "boy meets girl and vice versa and they fall in love" normal course of action.

But the young groom from Moradabad, in India, had a wedding recently that didn't go to plan at all.

It wasn't all plain sailing for the bride either but she, as it turns out, is a resourceful young woman. The groom was dumped by the bride because he had an epileptic seizure during the wedding ceremony. The ceremony was interrupted for two hours while he was taken to hospital. When he returned, he found out he wasn't just dumped but the bride had married one of the wedding guests instead. She wasn't going to let the day pass without getting married so asked those gathered if there was anyone who would like to marry her. Up steps a kind man and does the honours - that is what I call taking the initiative.

Having the seizure before the wedding ceremony concluded may not have been such a bad thing after all. I have the feeling that young bride might take the initiative in all manner of things. Divine intervention may have been at work that day. I like to think understanding and compassion still have their place in determining a successful, long and happy marriage. The bride was put off by the sight of the seizure and was angry the groom and his family hadn't disclosed he had this medical condition. She would not have agreed to marry him had she known. Please - hundreds of thousands of people live with epilepsy. They live meaningful, happy lives with their families.

Their seizures are minimalised and brought under control with medication. They make good lifestyle choices and are aware, in many cases, of the triggers that can bring on seizures.

In most societies, western in particular, young couples and even not so young couples have usually had a couple of years to get to know each other. Find out all there is to know. How else do you uncover the likes and dislikes of your intended? Small and big issues get talked through. This "getting to know and understand you" helps a couple make up their own minds about the person they want to wake up beside every morning. You use this courting period for that purpose.

Like all good things that are anticipated, you take your time. As your trust, respect and confidence in each other grows, you share more. That's the theory anyway - but these days, "what do you say, shall we move in together?" seems to happen first, sometimes within weeks of meeting. Marriage may or may not even happen.

The Indian bride and groom would probably only have met on their wedding day. All the negotiating and terms and conditions of the wedding settlement would have been undertaken by parents or family elders. Perhaps they did overlook medical questions that would have disclosed a history of seizures. Or perhaps the groom's negotiators purposely left out this vital information. Whatever the case, it's back to the drawing board now for the groom. He'll be the wiser and should put his seizure history at the top of the "need to know" list for any future potential brides. There'll be an educated and informed woman out there for him. India is full of them.

-Merepeka lives in Rotorua. She writes, speaks and broadcasts to thwart the spread of political correctness.