Matthew Martin: 'King' John's favourites for cup quest

"King" John has entrusted this quest to the Kingdom's favourite warrior and valiant leader of men, Richard McCaw. Photo / File

Just a few days ago, in a city not very far far away, a proclamation was sent across the land - the contents of which are still being discussed by thousands around the realm.

It was the naming of the 31 All Black Knights of the Oval Ball tasked with defending our nation's pride and reclaiming the holy grail - the Webb Ellis Cup - in faraway England.

Summoned to Castle Beehive from every corner of New Zealand by King John [Key] and his trusty Chancellor for Sporty Things Jonathan Coleman, the nation's finest were paraded in front of an anxious public - soon to be transported to the shores of the enemy to do rugby-battle with the rest of the world.

King John and the leaders of the Union of Rugby have entrusted this quest to the Kingdom's favourite warrior and valiant leader of men, Sir Richard McCaw, who will lead his mighty All Black Knights in their quest for the grail.

As King John stated to the nation, when the team was announced on Sunday, "Parliament is the house of representatives and it represents every New Zealander, and the All Blacks are admired by every New Zealander".

Well, he is the King, so he must be right.

King John's courting of Sir Richard and his All Blacks Knights began well before the Monty Python-esque shambles of a three-way handshake after winning back the holy grail in the 2011 World Cup, and continues unabated today.

Unlike his predecessor, Queen Helen, who made no bones about her lack of passion for the sport, but went to their matches anyway, King John finds any excuse to summon his sporting vassals to his side and bask in their reflected glory.

Politically, I think the term we could steal here is coat-tailing. A term most of King John's supporters would be familiar with in the Duchy of Epsom.

Most people just call it sucking-up.

And why wouldn't he? It's publicity money can't buy. Lots of people are obsessed by sport in this country so it makes perfect political sense.

But, contrary to what King John would have us believe, not every New Zealander was glued to their television box, wireless or interweb device on Sunday for the naming of the Knights.

At the risk of sounding like the treacherous Sir Mordred, I for one cannot say I admire any of them. Admiration is a bit too strong a word. Yes, they are very good at playing the game of rugby. Good on them.

But I prefer to save my admiration for people like Edmund Hilary, Ernest Rutherford, Kate Sheppard, Apirana Ngata and Charles Upham. King John would, no doubt, be very pleased to hear his favourite, Sir Richard, supports his moves to change the banner under which our nation is represented.

I'm also sure he thinks it to be a great shame his new banner won't be unfurled in time for the All Black Knights of the Oval Ball to wrap themselves in when they finally succeed in winning the grail back from enemy lands - a feat never seen before in their long and fabled history.

No pressure lads.

-Matthew Martin is a multiple-award winning senior staff journalist with NZME and a Rotorua local.