Letter to Santa from NZ Police

Taupō police lead off the Tremains Santa Parade in festive fashion. Photo / Dan Hutchinson

Kia ora Saint Nick, our intelligence officers tell us you are visiting our town in a few days to share goodwill and a few pressies.

I have written you this letter to brief you on a few local hazards and things you can do to feel and be safe in our town and surrounds.

Alongside our sisters and brothers in the ambulance and fire service, these are some of things we talk about to try to prevent harm and keep everyone safe.

Starting with your sleigh and our roads. Hopefully, it’s had a safety inspection and everything is squared away for an out-of-town journey. If you meet one of our friendly staff they will be looking to see your WOF is current and asking to see your licence.

I know our residents are generous, leaving you pies and beers, but you might want to go non-alcoholic so you can make it from home to home safely. Our staff will also be checking that you haven’t had too many.

I know from the last time we stopped you for running a red light, your sleigh has apple CarPlay and Bluetooth. This means you won’t be distracted by your phone while flying and landing. Even better, let one of the elves control the in-sleigh entertainment system while you drive. As we like to say, one Santa, one job.

Obviously, when visiting private property, you have consent and lots of people have sent you lists asking you to bring things. This is good as our safety messaging has really been working and our local people are good at locking doors, keeping an eye on their neighbours and calling 111 if there is anyone suspicious on their properties.

We have an amazing lake and river and you may want to cool off and have a swim. I did hear that you won the 20m freestyle dash when at primary school, but if you are in a boat a lifejacket is still a good idea. If you choose to do the river float, take some friends, watch the Lilo beersies and remember to get out before the Huka Falls.

Likewise the Tongariro Alpine crossing. It is amazing and well worth the visit and I certainly am not making a comment on your weight, but I hope you have been doing some training and have got a good level of fitness. Bring your Gore-Tex red coat and remember to chuck in enough food, water and spare clothing.

Tell Mrs Claus when you are leaving and when you are expected back.

Speaking of Mrs Claus, I know this time of year can be demanding even for a jolly bloke such as yourself. Make sure you look after Mrs Claus and be flexible with her and the kids.

I heard about her uncle and the comments he makes over lunch about your reindeer, but remember to take a breath or take the dog for a walk and pause before you respond.

It’s hard being Santa, you are out celebrating a lot, the year has caught up with you, not everyone is happy with their gifts and the rellies are coming around.

On Christmas Eve you will end up assembling some sports equipment or gift where the instructions aren’t very clear, you might even be sunburnt, have a hangover and stressing over those random comments you made at the elves’ Christmas party after a couple of mulled wines.

Sometimes this becomes the perfect Christmas storm of irritants and challenges. Let’s not mention the bill for filling the V8 sleigh!

All I can recommend is that you make the time to look after yourself so you can be there for others this Christmas.

If you have any worries or are not sure what to do with the challenges of summer and Christmas, then call a friend or ask for help.

Enjoy your Christmas and be safe.

— Andy.

PS Can I please have a coffee voucher for Christmas.