Felix Desmarais: Why I need people to stop telling me how good I look

Felix Desmarais in December 2021. Photo / Andrew Warner

OPINION:

Fatberg.

I was a bit shocked.

It's an original insult, if not a bit strange.

I may be fat, but at least I have depth. A brittle robustness worthy of sinking the Titanic perhaps?

Last week a colleague used a photo I took for a story about gluggy deposits in city pipes, using my name, naturally, as the photo credit. I have Google Alerts set up for my name. Narcissistic perhaps, but it's necessary to track where my media wire stories end up… also I want to know who's talking smack about me on the internet.

I got my daily email: Google alerts for Felix Desmarais: Fatberg.

Felix Desmarais says adjusting our attitudes and assumptions would be a better fit for everyone.

I sent the colleague a message. The disrespect! I lost 20kg for nothing! How dare you.

We had a bit of a laugh about it, but for me, it harked back to times at primary school when bullies called me names.

I've been chubby most of my life, and even in the times where I wasn't, I may as well have been. I soaked up all of what society says about fat people and it became part of my identity.

If someone approached me from my side, I'd suck my tummy in a little. If I was slouched, pot-bellied in a chair, I'd rearrange myself in the most flattering way. For some reason, it never gave me the appearance of a six-pack, which I think is a rort quite frankly.

I'd make myself as small as possible.

I didn't even realise I was doing all of these things till I lost the weight.

According to the controversial body mass index scale, I'm still technically "overweight". If I lost 3 kilos I'd be "normal". My body is officially inoffensive to polite society.

But in my head, I'm still fat. I think I'll always be. It really blows apart that idea that if you lose the kilos the feeling about yourself will go away. It doesn't. That's weight you have to lose in your head, and it's harder than a calorie deficit.

While you might be bigger, it doesn't make you less of a person. It's not an indicator of health or wellbeing. There are yogis 100kg plus who can contort themselves in positions I couldn't dream of. I did a half marathon 10kg ago, but I can't do that right now.

People say "you look so fit". I'm literally not as fit as I was when I was fat.

Then there's the good old "you look so good". I know I seem ungrateful, but that one means "oh wow! You are more acceptably attractive than you used to be!"

I'm not. I was hot when I was husky and I'm hot now, and I can't even take credit for it because it's purely genetics. No one's a winner.

What people really want to say is: "Congratulations, you're not fat anymore". It's very funny for me.

Some people, particularly those with an awareness of eating disorders, make a choice to never comment on people's appearance. A loss of weight is not always a good thing, it could be a sign of distress, a sign of a lack of health, far from an increase in it.

Going into a shop now and knowing pretty much anything will fit me is a thrill. It's surreal when they don't have things in small enough sizes for me. I've spent most of my life with a sick feeling in my stomach because clothes don't fit, or don't fit well. Clothes are made for slim people, and now that I am, everything fits me.

But maybe if we adjusted our attitudes and assumptions, it would be a better fit for everyone, because there's a little fatberg in all of us.

Felix Desmarais is a journalist and mostly-former stand-up comedian who sold out very cheaply.