Felix Desmarais: Sort your driving out, Aotearoa

Felix Desmarais shares some tips on safe driving.

OPINION:

I was a latecomer to driving and only got my full licence last year - at 33 years old.

I got my first car just three years ago, at 31.

So naturally, I am an expert when it comes to handling a motor vehicle, and well-positioned to tell you what to do with one.

For a long time, I told myself I didn’t drive because I didn’t want to contribute even more to climate change, but really it was just circumstance. I didn’t need a car before I moved to Rotorua, but I can’t say I haven’t loved having one. The freedom of a car is second-to-none, bar perhaps owning my own plane.

I’m moving away now - a triumph to those riled by my various stances on frozen goods, outdoor dining, seasons, average New Zealand bands, or the pronunciation of ‘helicopter’, as this is my last column.

Moving my things incrementally to a holding space in Tauranga - some call it my parents’ garage - has meant I’ve spent quite a lot of time on the open road between the two cities over the past few weeks, and I have some observations about how New Zealanders - yes, you - can improve your driving.

1. You are not Bruce McLaren, that is a Toyota Hilux

What is it with New Zealanders when they get behind the wheel? We’re all lovely (mostly) to one another, and then in the car, it’s a death-defying race. We’ll do anything - sell our firstborn, do a dangerous passing manoeuvre on a bend, just to skip one measly car in the queue. It’s pathetic.

I don’t care if you ‘beat’ me - but I do care if you put me and other people, including the children in your car, at risk. However, I must say, there is always that beautiful satisfaction when someone has gone to great lengths to pass you, only for you to get to the lights and be side-by-side - or, even better, you end up in front of them, after just pootling along keeping to the speed limit, being courteous and following the rules.

2. Drive to the - for goodness’ sake - conditions

This goes both ways. We’ve had some fantastic weather lately and some terrible weather. So, I’ve seen both sides of this.

In the sunshine, with lovely dry, sticky roads, I’ve been trapped behind cars going 80km/h in a 100km/h zone.

Look, it is absolutely fine if you want to go slow and take in the country air. That is a personal experience between you and John Denver I do not wish to impinge on.

But every now and then, as a special little treat, check your rear vision mirror. See how there’s a long queue of cars lined up behind you? That’s not the line for your personal slow-poke kissing booth. Pull over and let people pass (on a straight, safe piece of road, mind, where there aren’t yellow lines. Feel free to have a squiz of the road code).

On the other side, now is not the time to practically mount the car in front of you like a stag in heat because it’s not going 102km/h on the open road. It is so easy to lose control of a car on wet roads. Speed is a massive factor in that.

Perhaps you have somewhere to be; perhaps you should have left earlier. Perhaps you actually want to make it there safely. Tailgating won’t help anyone - it will reduce your chances of stopping in time and it will put pressure on the driver in front, and they may make mistakes. Calm down.

3. If you have a grey car, and the sky is grey, turn your lights on

I mean, obviously. Come on.

• Felix Desmarais is a journalist and mostly-former stand-up comedian.