Dear Colleen
I've been with my partner for just more than seven years and feel like things are going stale. The last time we were intimate was before Christmas and I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me.
Life has got busy lately and we are both very tired
but I'm starting to feel alone. I've tried to talk to my partner and we always say we will try harder to spend time together.
However, it hasn't happened. I have booked a short holiday at the end of May but I'm not even sure if we can go now-she can't get the time off work.
How can I make her see we need this break? It's only one week and I was sure it would help us.
Where to from here? I love her deeply.
- Concerned man of peace
Dear Concerned
The dynamics of relationships change with time. What you're experiencing is very common, and very fixable.On one level the reality of everyday life, being busy and tired etc affects things.
To address these issues, you need to talk and makeaplan together. Go out for a meal so you won't be interrupted and start by telling her how much you love her.
Talk about what you want and ask her how she is feeling. If the problems are practical ones, planning to fix them together will start bringing you closer again.
On another level, sometimes couples drift apart when one person's capacity for closeness and bonding is higher than that of their partner. Learning about how this dynamic works can really help.
I recommend you look at the website www.passionatemarriage.com and the book A Passionate Marriage by David Snarch.
If the ideas resonate with you, consider a few sessions with a counsellor who is familiar with the work to help you work through the issues.
Keeping love alive takes a bit of work and you're doing the right thing to address the issues and not ignore them until it's too late.
- Colleen
NEED ADVICE? If you haveaquestion for our Ask Colleen column, email weekender@dailypost.co.nz. Please keep questions under 200 words. If you would like to make contact with Rotorua relationship counsellor Colleen Mullin, you can email her at info@pillowtalkconsulting.com