Kevin Page: Dreaming of the great outdoors over lunch in the office

So, the other day I'm sitting at my desk working feverishly to bring you all the news and views from New Zealand and around the world.

Naturally such head-down bum-up activity can leave one lost in concentration and before I knew it I'd rattled off four hours and earned $43.78 plus a McDonald's Happy Meal voucher.

A familiar growl alerted me to the fact the day was marching on. And a check of the bottom right hand side of my computer screen did indeed reveal it was feeding time.
Luckily, on my desk - along with the paper clips, calculator, stapler and dictionary (remember we used them before spell check) - I have a bag containing a freeze-dried meal.

READ MORE:
• Had a death dream recently? Expert says it's not your worst nightmare
• Aussie family's tragedy inspires multimillion-dollar business Glow Dreaming
• Bizarre dreams? That's because they get weirder the longer you sleep for, scientists reveal
• Russell: Dolphin cruise and Bay of Islands dreaming

It is sitting on my desk because recently I celebrated a birthday. This was one of my presents.

I agree it is an odd present so perhaps I should explain.

Each year Mrs P asks me what I would like for my birthday. On this occasion I'd said it would be great to get into a bit of outdoorsy stuff, maybe go on a long tramp in the mountains. It will become apparent to you shortly this is something I've talked about over the years.

So here I am at lunchtime looking at this packet of freeze-dried mushroom risotto. It's on my desk because I keep meaning to get round to reading the cooking instructions.

Obviously I want to be prepared for when I do venture deep into the mountains.

The bloke pictured on the cover certainly looks like an outdoorsy type. Suitably attired and staring intently into the snow capped mountains. I'm sure when I eventually get round to it I'll look the same. All windswept, ruggedly handsome and with a full belly.

As I'm adding the hot water to the risotto mix in the pack it suddenly occurs to me I've actually got most of the gear this guy on the packet is wearing.

It's all at the back of the closet with the other presents from years previously. You know what I mean I'm sure. I'm talking stuff like the guitar I'm going to learn to play one day and the sketch pad and pencil set for when I finally get round to sketching - I'm sure one day Mrs P is going to finally give in and get her gear off. Ahem.

Anyway. I leave the risotto on my desk to percolate and drag all the outdoors attire from the dark recesses of the closet.

I was right. I have got most of it. I might even look exactly like the guy on the risotto packet.

To start with I've got the full on outdoors jacket so I stick it on. It bulks me up so much I look like I've just eaten 100 mushroom risotto meals.

Then there's those trousers I got a couple of years ago with the zip-off legs. I try them on and take one leg off to see if the zip works. Yep, they'll do. Ideal for both winter and summer tramping.

And I've even got a full, fleecy winter balaclava. one of those full face jobbies where just your nose and mouth are visible. Perfect for robbing a bank too I should imagine if ever
the need arose. I put that on too.

So yep, I'm pretty much kitted out for an adventure in the great outdoors.

I thought maybe I should check out some possible tramps while I had time, clad in my outdoorsy ensemble, so I started checking online.

Naturally, because this is the way the world works Mrs P walked in just at that precise moment.

So there I am on a nice sunny day sitting in my office in front of my computer wearing a full face balaclava, a bright red oversized and double padded tramping jacket and a pair of tramping trousers with one leg missing. And to top it all off I was munching on a freeze dried mushroom risotto out of the packet.

Mrs P gave one of those sighs which suggests she's seen it all before. She maintains a non-judgemental disposition as she enquires why I'm not wearing my tramping boots as well.

I'm somewhat surprised at the question to be honest. I mean its fairly obvious isn't it? I didn't want to look silly.

• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to kevin.page@nzme.co.nz