Last week I found myself in hospital hooked up to a variety of monitoring machines beeping, whirring and clicking.
To say this was unexpected would be an understatement.
I won't bore you with the exact details - particularly while you're eating your cornflakes - other than to throw in the oft used word "complications". You can fill in your own blanks.
So, here I am, surrounded by angels, feeling less than pleasant and wondering what on earth just happened.
In fact, the only plus side thing I could see to the whole catastrophe is that I escaped having to do the lawns. I hate doing the lawns.
Similarly surprised and concerned at the sudden turn of events was Mrs P who alerted the kids. Naturally they came running and a special summit was convened.
Concern was expressed about the ongoing illness and misfortune which has befallen our household over the past few years.
Now I tend to put such stuff in the file marked "Life" but it seems the younger generation in our whānau are a bit more into things like spirituality and bad vibes, both of which are invisible but you have to believe they are there otherwise why would stuff happen.
Got it?. Anyway, it seems we have been surrounded by bad vibes a bit lately.
The kids were concerned enough to appoint The Boomerang Child (she always comes back) to a position of authority and she got cracking on a solution.
Regular followers of my weekly prose will recall The Boomerang Child in our brood is very kind, environmentally aware and spiritual in outlook.
Naturally we love her to bits, even though we tease her about her way of life and then follow bits of it anyway to support her attempts at changing the world - as you do.
I mention this so you will be able to get some understanding of what was to follow the summit meeting.
After reviewing our history of recent illness and unfortunate occurrences, Boomerang Child decided our house needed some sort of cleansing.
Apparently negative energy exudes from every orifice.
I personally think it's all coming from that stupid gap between the fridge and the adjacent kitchen cabinet. It's always bugged me. Obviously the previous owners of our place had a bigger fridge.
To that end my solution would have been to just get a fridge that fitted the gap.
The Boomerang Child felt different. She brought in some sage wands.
Now, like me, you may never have heard of them either. Apparently they are all the go for cleansing your house or your body for that matter. There's even an on-line How To Use Your Sage Wands tutorial.
In short you set fire to these rolled-up newspaper-type things then stub them out. While they are smouldering away you wander around the house "wafting" the smoke into any place that naughty negative energy may be hiding.
If you want to make doubly sure, especially if your wafting isn't as good as it should be, you can politely suggest Mr Negative Energy and his mates sod off.
Obviously timing is of the essence with such exercises and the Boomerang Child did the cleansing while I was still hooked up at hospital, that is far, far away. You can imagine the whirring, beeping and clicking that went on from the monitors as Mrs P filled me in on what was happening back at the ranch.
Later, upon my release, we wandered around our house with a brush and shovel looking for dead negativity. We couldn't find any.
Who knows? Maybe it has worked after all. Touch wood. Maybe from now on we'll have better luck and health.
I just wish it hadn't left such a weird smell. I'm sure it's given us both hay fever.
• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to email@example.com .