Does justice come at a price? Should it have a price or be negotiable?
If recent court and crime reports are to be believed, it would appear that "we" are opting for whatever is "on special", no better than a Tuesday Night Burger deal or a Wednesday Night Pasta option.
I am, of course, referring to our much-misguided sentencing guidelines - the ones that offer "discounts" for a plethora of unreasonable reasons.
Judges going into great detail to explain and justify this highly offensive discounting process.
Roll up, roll up, folks. Plead guilty ASAP and shave 33 per cent off your original sentence. Show (fake) remorse and receive a further discount of 15 per cent.
No prior convictions ... It's your lucky day ... cut your sentence in half. (Much like you did when you dismembered that corpse.)
No judgment here, matey ... we acknowledge you had your reasons.
Grass-Up-A-Mate on "Big Mouth Monday" and you automatically go into the draw to win one of Kaitoke's flash new but redundant, nine slushie machines!
What next - discount vouchers on the back of your supermarket receipt? A Confess for Less coupon? Take a half-price "Remorse Course" (read the testimonials of other prisoners and past and present MPs), or Rent-To-Own-A-Cell online and save!
Agree to restorative justice, then validate your victim in 300 words or less and you could walk away with no conviction at all.
Kate Stewart: Just put a deposit down on an avocado
I'm picking by 2023 we will have Self-Sentencing Kiosks.
Much like an ATM, you can deposit your "Naughty Deed" aka a Criminal Boo Boo and then go on, via a touchscreen, to select the prison or punishment of your choosing.
Should you prefer a custodial sentence, you will experience a virtual tour of the many diverse cells available.
We offer some fab Cell-ebrity packages where you can pre-book anything from luxury bed linens, books from the library, a gym session, toiletries and flat screens for your wall, as well as browsing the menu options, notifying us of any special dietary requirements and ordering meals to coincide with your arrival.
Our free shuttle service also applies. Just text us your location and we'll collect you from a mutually agreed upon, non-judgmental, pick-up point.
Please note: We have a range of on-trend, high fashion handcuffs, scuffs and prison jumpsuits (buy now - pay later), should you wish to be taken into custody in style.
selfies, to immortalise and capture the moment, may also be booked, uploaded and posted on your behalf for just $10 (hair and makeup extra).
Book a month in advance and enjoy a complimentary slushie upon arrival, our turndown service and nightly steak and cheese pie on your pillow options.
You're a victim too ... we get it!
And don't forget our Recidivist Reward Card. Earn precious prison points with every stay then trade them in for extra phone calls, commissary, bonus/conjugal visits and gold fillings.
Sick of staring at the same four walls, we've got you covered. Our "Doing Time-Share" plan ensures you get three weeks annually to transfer to another detention centre for a well-deserved break. (Dependent on good behaviour.)
Sign up today, enter the code "Cellebrate" and receive a voucher for a 50 per cent discount on your next sentence!
Nevermind the real victims of crime - those who have lost their lives or forever had them changed by the selfish actions of offenders who appear to have more rights than they do.
Between discounts, incentives, reward charts and plea deals, not to mention a better standard of living inside than that of a low income, law-abiding individual, it's both absurd and insulting that the deck continues to be stacked, heavily, in the criminal's favour.
The scales of justice, if they even exist any more, urgently need rebalancing because as things stand, it would seem that you literally can get away with murder these days. #crimeshoppers