I am presently involved in a dispute with an international removals company. I'm even thinking of going to Fair Go.
Stick with me and I'll explain.
Recently the directors of the Bank of Mum and Dad Unlimited have been considering a charitable donation to a worthwhile cause, namely a contribution to a deposit for a house purchase for one of the offspring.
We know it's worthwhile because she told us it was.
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Anyway. Our consideration involved a lengthy discussion and (this is the important bit) a lot of handwritten workings on an A4 piece of paper.
The document has been sitting on the little table, next to my end of the couch, all week as we've reconsidered the financial implications and added and subtracted to the financial implications.
But on Saturday morning, as I went to have another look at it, I discovered it had gone, along with the other bits and pieces I collected over the week.
I'm sure you know what I mean: newspapers, flyers, calculator, magazines etc etc.
It was obvious to me who was responsible: Mrs P Removals Ltd.
Now dear reader, before you say you've never heard of them think carefully. I'll wager they have a branch in every household in the world. Yes, they may go under another name but they vigorously follow the rules of the franchise which basically state "if it's out, move it".
naturally I complained to the proprietor of said removals company but she denied any knowledge or involvement.
I pressed the issue, threatened legal action and floated the possibility of my non-involvement in the continued purchase of flowers just because she's a hottie if I didn't get answers.
Eventually she caved. Partially.
Yes she had moved the magazines, calculator etc etc because they were left out (See. Franchise rules) but there was no paper with numerical workings on it.
Naturally I begged to differ. It had been there all week, I said, and was most definitely there when I last looked.
Many of you out there may have had similar experiences with the "removal company" you live with. All I can suggest is keep tabs on the stuff you consider important. And remember there is electronic surveillance equipment available. I'm sure they can put one of those little cameras close enough to your pile of stuff without anyone seeing it. maybe in that cushion at the other end of the couch.
Failing that there's always the option of wiring it so anybody trying to shift it gets an electric shock.
But I digress.
So, at this stage we were both preparing to call our legal teams. And as I say I had pencilled in Fair Go for a quick call straight after.
I find myself silently steaming at my office desk as I look for another piece of paper to work out all the calculations again.
I've got a pen and, just as Mrs P walks into the room, I open the top drawer to get a piece of paper.
And, you guessed it, sitting there is the missing piece of paper with all the important calculations.
With a triumphant grin spreading across her face, Mrs P points to the item concerned.
"There," she said. "You had it all the time".
"I didn't put it there," I replied. "Must have been Husband Storage Systems Ltd. Apparently they've got a branch in every household all over the world".
■ Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to firstname.lastname@example.org .