The ‘Man-in-the-moon Salad’. It consisted of a plate of rice, complete with breakfast sausages for eyebrows, eggs and raisins for the eyeballs, and a singular slice of carrot as a nose.
The ‘Man-in-the-moon Salad’. It consisted of a plate of rice, complete with breakfast sausages for eyebrows, eggs and raisins for the eyeballs, and a singular slice of carrot as a nose.
Now, Steve Braunias writes a damn good column: hilarious, sharp and lyrical. One of his recent pieces resonated with me deeply.
It was in the October 11 edition of NZ Listener and was entitled ‘Dinner is Cooked’. He wrote about old cookbooks. How funny they were. How awful theycan be. Thanks, Steve, handy column fodder!
When I started to become enthralled with cooking- when I realised I actually could physically cook (this was shortly after realising my new girlfriend- now my wife- could not cook), I started to collect old cookbooks.
I admit a hopeful nostalgia for retro cooking was brewing.
This soon turned into a perverse masochistically curiosity about how grotesque some of the dishes were. My collection didn’t grow very large. My wife put her foot down fairly quickly.
It had some rather inventive recipes like Hamburger Stroganoff which used a can of condensed cream of chicken soup, Enchilada Fiesta (to carry on the festival theme) and Baby Beef Liver with Bacon Gravy - need I say more.
The next book to complement my collection was ‘Meet with Beef’, a jolly use of homophones published by the NZ Hereford Cattle Breeders’ Association (Inc) in 1984. Its chapter on mince was extensive. Perky-Mince, eight meat loaf recipes, and a staggering 12 meatball recipes.
The third book in my tiny collection was Peter Russell-Clarke’s ‘Egg Cookbook’ from Aussie in 1979.
The third book in my tiny collection was Peter Russell-Clarke’s ‘Egg Cookbook’ from Aussie in 1979. While there were some mind-boggling recipes that were quite gripping (not in a good way) like Fungus Eggs, Steamed Egg Custard ‘n’ Seafood and Whiting and Grapes, it was the cover that grabbed me.
It was a photo of Peter Russell-Clarke in full vintage ensemble gazing up at a raw egg that looked seconds away from being matted to his ’70s hair and beard. He also wore a necklace that was remarkable; it consisted of shells, metal and what appears to be a bullet-casing at the apex.
I googled him and apparently he was one of the first Australian celebrity chefs. I found a short YouTube video. In disbelief, I watched as he cooked an omelette with a big slice of mango, half a raw fig and a large piece of salmon. Job done.
The crescendo of my collection is called ‘The Personality of Meat’. It’s a somewhat voyeuristic book published by the Cold Storage Commission of Rhodesia. Now, some of the recipes are truly horrific.
In the section pre-ambled ‘Don’t forget the Variety Meats’, it has Stuffed Liver, Liver and Rice, Lip-smacking Liver, Poor Man’s Goose (aka liver), Adam’s Liver, Barbequed Liver and not to mention- Calf’s Head Pie.
However, as I explained to Braunias, when I emailed him evidence of my collection at his request, the pièce de résistance of this book is pictorial.
It’s a photo of the ‘Man-in-the-moon Salad’. It consisted of a plate of rice, complete with breakfast sausages for eyebrows, eggs and raisins for the eyeballs, and a singular slice of carrot as a nose. Hideous.
Instead, I would just sit there and read them out incredulously. No wonder my wife grew sick of it and put an end to my aspirations for a vast collection of grotesque recipe books.
