I bet there are a few people out there who can relate to my latest tale of woe. It's one of those situations where you absolutely try and do the right thing and it ends up with the opposite result.
So, let me explain. I need to go for an eye test.
I put the most recent appointment off when my regular pay cheque went south. It's not a big cost, you understand, but every little bit of saving helps I figured.
Besides if I needed new glasses that would cost even more at a time when things were a bit tight.
Luckily Page 27, sub section 14, paragraph C of the Men's Logic Handbook says I am correct.
However, she who ensures I have clean boxers in my top drawer each week has the last say.
I last had new glasses six years ago and Mrs P is of the opinion my current lenses are incorrect.
This view may have something to do with the fact that the other day when she gave her new outfit a test run I said something like "that's nice" - obviously I was reading the sports news and was on auto pilot at the time - rather than "Phwoar!!!!!!!!!!" (See page 21 of above handbook).
I agreed she was probably right. I've missed a lot of putts lately on the golf course so it must be that rather than the fact I'm getting older.
So off I go for the test. It takes me 10 minutes to get there. I park the car and start walking. I'm 20 minutes early for my appointment and 10 metres away from the car when it hits me.
I've forgotten my face mask.
Now, dear reader, we at Castle Page are big on doing it right during this new era of the virus thing. Not just for ourselves but for all the others we may come into contact with. It's a personal thing. There's also the fact Mrs P is a little susceptible to sniffles etc so we tend to play it safe and follow the guidelines.
So there I am. Without a mask. What should I do?
I could wing it, go to my appointment and be perfectly safe. Or not.
I could ask if the eye people have a spare one. Hmm. There's been shortages. Probably not.
I could race back home and get one and then race back in. I could be late and miss the appointment. But Mrs P will applaud my sensible, caring approach and shower me with much love and affection.
No brainer really so I hop back in the car and race home.
The mask collected, I head off on the return trip and am soon in the flow of traffic, eager to make up time.
Now, I'm not trying to make excuses here dear reader. Yes, I was rushing, and yes I was silly.
In fact that's what I admitted to the policeman who pulled me over for a chat before I'd got back into town.
He was sympathetic to my mask conundrum and my efforts to do the right thing but obviously no excuse was acceptable for my actions.
Luckily, back at the eye clinic they'd had some delays and were running behind so it turned out I wasn't too late after all.
And yes, they had some spare masks and could have offered me one.
Even more ironic was the fact that for part of the eye test I had to remove my mask anyway.
Turns out though I do need some new glasses as Mrs P predicted and they are a bit expensive so I'm not sure exactly when I will get them.
Most likely it will be after I've paid off my $120 speeding ticket.
• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to firstname.lastname@example.org (Kevin Page in subject field).