From left, Amy and Kyle Keogh with their daughter Aeisha, and donor parents Amy and Mike de Vetter with their children, Josiah and Rosie. Zoe de Vetter and Tasia Keogh are at the back.
Tasia and Aeisha Keogh are sisters from Tauranga. Their older siblings Rosie, Josiah and Zoe live in Exeter in the UK, more than 18,000km away. They are a bit more complicated than the average family, writes Carolyne Meng-Yee.
Amy de Vetter had mixed emotions when she first met her youngest biological daughter, Aeisha, the little blonde who reminded her so much of herself at that age.
Aeisha’s older sister Tasia has dark hair, like Amy’s older children Rosie, Zoe and Josiah.
The siblings have different birth mothers but the same genetic parents.
“Embryo donation is the best thing I have ever done and the hardest thing I have ever done,” de Vetter told the Herald.
“These two beautiful girls wouldn’t be here without Anna and Kyle; they are loved by us and by their mum and dad.
“Our daughters adore the girls, they all know their story. The children’s relationships are our top priority.”
Amy, 46, and husband Mike, 47, weren’t in a rush to start a family, until Amy, then 25, was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome in 2004, then endometriosis, which meant an increased risk of infertility.
The couple put their embryos on ice at Repromed fertility clinic in Auckland in 2011, and their first two children, Rosie, now 16, and Josiah, 13, were conceived afterwards via IVF.
They had intended to use the remaining embryos to try for a third child. Then Zoe, now 10, was conceived naturally.
That third pregnancy was “a miracle”, Amy said, but it was also turbulent, as she suffered antenatal depression. The de Vetters didn’t want to risk going through that again; they decided their family was complete.
Instead, they would look for a couple who shared their values, and they would give them their remaining three embryos.
“They are little lives that deserve a chance,” Amy told the Herald.
“There are families unable to have their own biological children - your generosity could mean the world.”
Under New Zealand law, surplus embryos can be used by the biological parents, discarded, donated to research, or given to another couple.
Meanwhile, in Tauranga, Anna Keogh felt her life was “over” when she found she could not conceive a child with her husband, Kyle, who had a low sperm count.
The pair had met at Changepoint Church, where they held leadership roles in the children’s ministry. Once they started dating, they got engaged within three months and were married three months later. They were ready to start a family, but it wasn’t happening.
“I went into a spiral of crying and catastrophising. I saw myself as an old lady in a home with no visitors or anyone to care for me,” Anna told the Herald.
Kyle was devastated, too. “I lost my father when I was 2, and I wanted to be a good father for my children. There was a sense of failure, I wasn’t living up to what was expected of me,” he said.
Anna was keen to use a sperm donor, but Karl wasn’t - and it was putting a strain on their marriage.
“He said, ‘I can’t see myself looking at another man’s child and seeing you in it but not me.’ I felt annoyed, I was like, ‘What? ... You are the one who is stopping this happening.’ It created a lot of tension,” Anna said.
The Keoghs knew Amy de Vetter’s father from work, and he suggested they might like to use her three frozen embryos. Anna jumped at the chance, but Kyle still had reservations about being a father to a child who wasn’t genetically his.
Anna started withdrawing from her friends, declined invitations to baby showers and birthdays, and eventually lost friendships, she said.
“If I saw a pregnant woman at the supermarket with her children, I’d think, ‘Why can’t I have one?’ I was angry I couldn’t have what other people seemed to have so easily.”
Eventually, she posted on social media that she had to leave her job at children’s charity Cool Bananas because the grief of not having children had finally caught up with her.
“It has become too hard to stand in front of them, loving them with all my heart, while trying to contain the heartbreak that is within,” she wrote.
Amy de Vetter saw Anna’s Facebook post and got in touch in 2016 to offer the Keoghs her three frozen embryos.
Seeing how miserable Anna was, Kyle changed his mind and the pair accepted the gift.
A spokeswoman for Fertility Associates told the Herald that embryo donation was rare. It oversees only seven or eight a year.
Embryos are frozen as part of the IVF fee, which generally costs about $16,000. Storage is free for the first six months, then about $240 for each six months, or $1590 for five years.
“When people have embryos remaining after they have completed their family, the thought of disposing of them [can be] traumatic,” the spokeswoman said. “We get many inquiries about embryo donation.”
Many donors dropped out because the process was extended and expensive.
“All embryo donations have to go through the Ecart (Ethics Committee on Assisted Reproductive Technology) process.”
Amy de Vetter said the lengthy legal process, intense counselling and dealing with the reproduction ethics committee were worth it.
“I truly have no regrets. It’s the best thing we have ever done.”
The two families met each other when Aeisha was two months old and Tasia was 3.
De Vetter said it was surprising and challenging to see how much Aeisha looked like her.
“When we met, I was advised to treat the girls like nieces. It was harder with Aeisha, simply because she is a spitting image of me as a child.
“Anna and Kyle are wonderful parents, and we feel joy and pride when we see the girls. Tasia is super creative and reminds me of our girls. Aeisha is very structured and detailed, and reminds me of Josiah. They call each other brother and sister - it’s our beautiful, complicated family.”
Anna says both her births were painful - and when she first saw Tasia, she was in shock.
“I looked at her, and a flood of immense joy overwhelmed me. Then a fear: ‘Is someone going to take her away?’ Then I realised - no, she’s mine.”
Three years after Aeisha’s birth, Anna got pregnant with the third embryo, but miscarried.
There are times she and Kyle still grieve that they didn’t conceive naturally.
“I look at my niece and nephew and think, ‘That’s what my child would have looked like’ because of the genes. I still get this little ache and this little sadness - but at the same time I can’t imagine not having these two little girls.”
Recently, Aeisha celebrated her fifth birthday, and Mike de Vetter’s parents Brian and Jenny went to her party in Tauranga.
Last year, the de Vetters moved their family from Whangārei to Exeter, in southwest England, to become assistant pastors at Rediscover Church. Amy said they missed New Zealand and their extended family.
“It’s hard being so far away and tough not to be there; we decided to let Anna and Kyle make birthdays their special moment. Happy birthday, beautiful Aeisha. We hope you know how incredibly loved and special you are.”
Carolyne Meng-Yee is an Auckland-based investigative journalist who won Best Documentary at the Voyager Media Awards. Recently, she was runner-up for Best Editorial Campaign and part of a team that won Best Coverage of a Major News Event: Philip Polkinghorne Murder Trial. She worked for the Herald on Sunday, then rejoined the Herald in 2016 after working as an award-winning current affairs producer at TVNZ’s 60 Minutes, 20/20 and Sunday.