There must be a better way to board a plane. Photo / Getty Images
Recently I read that a Japanese airline had come up with a "brilliant" way to get passengers on board an aircraft with a minimum of fuss.
Well, excuse me, Mr Reporter Man, but that system has been around for yonks. But more of that later.
If you fly, even infrequently, on international flights, you will understand why a system is needed.
Depending on the continent you are boarding in, you could be jostling with people carrying prayer mats and associated paraphernalia (possibly including a minaret) or dried animal parts for the purpose of cuisine or trying to squeeze a rudimentary lawn mower into the overhead locker.
Even innocent-looking bags and other containers can hold strange cargo. The following were found at Australian borders: an iguana hidden in a prosthetic leg; live frogs hidden in film canisters; a gift-wrapped hawk.
Despite airlines' announcements that the cabin luggage rules are "strictly enforced", that announcement is often the extent of the strict enforcement.
I assume that, if everybody obeyed the rules, there would be enough space for all hand luggage but because people abuse the rules a passenger might have to struggle past another 20 rows of seats to find a space for his lawn mower.
I have it on good authority that, a few years back, Ryanair and EasyJet used the free-for-all system by which seats were not allocated and a mad rush ensued.
Naturally this did not work effectively so they changed, issuing queue jump passes at a cost, but these proved so popular that they had to do away with them because nearly everyone bought them. Now they use a new system but nobody seems to know what it is.
So, what is ANA's "brilliant" system? Priority passengers, those with young families and those with some sort of special needs are allowed to board first. This ensures that those in business class can have a flute of champagne already in hand as the masses trek by.
So far, I say, that's pretty standard procedure. Then what they do is to invite those with window seats at the rear of the aircraft to board followed by those in the rest of the back (I know that back is not a very technical aviation term – I think it might be called the sternum).
The system is logical, yes, but still pretty much standard procedure except perhaps for the window seats. Then they fill the plane from the sternum forward (aft, I think).
Well, I'm afraid I don't see anything new or brilliant in that system. It's the one I'm used to and certainly the one that was used when we needed to take a flurry of transtasman flights recently.
But here's the rub. People either don't listen carefully to the boarding announcement or they choose to ignore the instructions (though the Japanese boarding their ANA flight might be an exception here).
Unfortunately, casual observation shows me that nothing is done about these people. Someone in row 21 is free to board even though the announcement specified those in row 40 and above only.
I have a plan. Above the boarding gate a large screen is fitted. On it a giant message would appear when someone jumps the queue.
It would flash "We have asked for passengers in row 40 and higher but the passenger you can see at the gate now (large flashing arrow points down at the offender) is ticketed for row 21. Ha ha ha!"
That's not all. The offender (plus subsequent offenders) would have to stand in the naughty queue and wait till last with all the other passengers filing past them.
I think it would take the ANA system one step forward and boarding could become a breeze.