Okay, I admit it - I'm a bit of hefty heifer.

Well, that's bullsh*t to begin with ... as I've spawned lifeforms of some description, I guess I'm little more than a common cow.

Cast out to pasture, I no longer have any excuse to flop a boob out in public which, though sad for me, can also be seen as a good thing.

Such is the droop, you could paint it red and walk it at the Grammys where all the recipients are so "honoured" and "humbled" they melt their awards for crack cones or use them as door stops.


Keyboards really need to have that copyright sign - without it, anyone can use that gag now and I get diddly squat.

Story of my life (cue the violins) - I have the bright ideas and creativity, in fact, I'm positively overflowing with it like an incontinent camel spilling its humps, then I watch as someone else snaffles my brilliance and claims it as their own.

Sorry, I can't afford to be modest at this point. It's happened too many times.

You share an idea and somebody with the means and know-how usurps you of your talent.

Anyway, I recently took part in an online survey of a grocery store.

Normally I bin such requests - I wasn't the least bit tempted by the chance to win a vehicle more than capable of running down those who had aggrieved me - but, as I had nothing better to do at the time, conformist that I am, I obliged.

One of the questions was why I rated their product selection so poorly. Boy, did I let rip.

This weighty Katy told them in no uncertain terms what their problem was (it may have qualified as hate speech, so please be on the lookout for my crowdfunding page, raising money for my legal defence. I will need it to consult with an expert Parisian barrister in France, plus associated costs that are none of your business).

ROTFLMAO - google it if it makes no sense.

It's easy to roll when you're a chubster, a chunky monkey, without the knuckle dragging.

But it was my fatness that ultimately led to my response.

Suffering from a legitimate and lifelong endocrine disorder, I've embarked on a low carb diet to aid my cause and hopefully lose some weight.

"You need a low carb range," I responded. "Not everyone wants to gorge themselves on unhealthy white crap (not intended to be racist, though I'm sure it never would be because it doesn't contain the word black) like rice, bread, spuds and pasta."

Keto is the new Kardashian, darling.

"Enough of this trimming good fats from meat and peeling off chicken skins to appease the 'healthy' eater while you justify charging us more for less."

We all know fat adds flavour and juiciness. Let people trim their own fat and peel skins, I went on to say.

It will give them something to moan about on social media ... #ifyou'renotleanyou'remean. Yawn.

I even went on to give them a highly creative slogan for my proposed new range which, knowing my luck, will be available in store soon alongside their low fat, no fat, vegan, vegetarian and sugar and gluten free ranges.

Just remember, you read it here first.

I'm not really sure what the moral of the story is, other than it doesn't pay to have morals because some bugger will come along and demand you to sacrifice them for theirs.

On the bright side, though, the gun they're holding to your head could just be a water pistol ... and, like the camel, you just have to go with the flow.

Smile loudly, and send carb-free feedback to investik8@gmail.com