Wyn Drabble: The perils of online shopping

Wyn Drabble.

Online shopping generally works well for me and often the goods arrive the very next day.

Even most of my many purchases from other countries have been successful.

But Murphy's Law cannot sit idly to one side; sooner or later Murph has to step in and stuff things up.

I will recount this recent purchase as truthfully as possible in the simple hope that it might bring a chuckle to your day. I will even eschew my usual tools of satire: no exaggeration, no parody, no invective and only a hint of irony.

I ordered a shirt from a company I have often shopped at before - and very successfully at that. A week later, it hadn't arrived so I phoned their 0800 number.

"Oh, that order was cancelled," said the well-mannered voice.

"By whom?" I queried. "Not by me."

She apologised and explained that the item was out of stock so they had cancelled the order but neglected to inform me. The good news, she said, was that the amount had not been debited from my credit card. Good news, indeed!

To make up for their failing, she said she would phone around all their retail outlets to see if one of them had the item in stock. She would call me back.

She didn't.

This time I emailed my feelings. Again, a very apologetic reply. But there was good news.

I predicted it would be that nothing had been deducted from my credit card.

But no, it was even better. She had found the item in my size and would forward it to my nearest retail outlet whence I could uplift it.

A couple of days later, the local retail outlet phoned and told me my shirt had arrived. As I picked it up, I noticed it was the wrong size.

"But that's what they sent," offered the salesperson in defence. "No worries though, we have your size in stock."

"Then why could you not - in the very early stages of the whole transaction - have simply supplied me with one of those so that ... oh, never mind."

I gratefully accepted my shirt.

Fast forward a week. You thought the story was over, didn't you. The retail outlet phoned with "good news". My shirt had arrived.

I told the guy I was very thankful that they saw fit to keep sending me shirts but really I was quite happy with the one they had eventually supplied a week or so earlier. It was currently hanging in the wardrobe and I had worn it twice already.

I was tempted to send another email to head office but I restrained myself. If I had, it would have read something like, "I am happy to accept all the shirts if they are not charged to my credit card."

It's all evidence of what Murphy can do to ... well ... anything, really.

Footnote:
While on the subject of attire, I would like to inform you that there has been a further development in the field of floggletoggle fatigue in jandals. (See, this really is a footnote.)

Would you believe that, since writing those two columns a couple of weeks ago, I suffered a huge failure on all three floggletoggles at once - on a single jandal, in a single footstep. Suddenly there were two separate components.

I may have looked stupid but I put the thong back between my toes and walked on carrying the sole in my hand. It's not a look I expect to catch on.

I have since splashed out on some new $9.99 jandals. I expect to get a couple of weeks of service from them.

- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.