At the airport, before departure, Wyn Drabble enjoyed the airlines’ different ways of using euphemisms to “explain” delays. Photo / NZME
At the airport, before departure, Wyn Drabble enjoyed the airlines’ different ways of using euphemisms to “explain” delays. Photo / NZME
I’m still on the theme of my Fiji break, but this week I would like to turn my attention to its signs. There’s a quite famous one outside the Cannibal Cafe in Taveuni, for example: “We’d Love to Have You for Dinner”.
As an English teacher, I enjoy a goodsign, especially when it’s badly worded, ambiguous or garbled and I didn’t have to travel far before pulling over to photograph some signs of interest.
There were professionally painted ones and others that were hand-painted on old pieces of board.
Let’s start with hand-painted. A gentleman called Manish obviously has two main skills, washing cars and pounding the roots needed to make kava.
I know this because the first sign that caught my attention driving from Nadi Airport said “Manish Car Wash and Grog Pounding”.
If I may head off on a tangent for a moment, some of you may remember an earlier column about a fruitless attempt to book my car by phone. I eventually booked it online and, when I arrived with evidence of my confirmed booking, they had “run out”.
Another company to the rescue and much displeasure vented at the original. A confirmed booking is clearly just “a guide”.
And if I may be so bold as to take a second tangent (kava-related), a Suva restaurant staff member apologised for the racket coming from one corner of my chosen restaurant one evening. His explanation was that it was a kava party.
He offered further clarification from which I really learned something: kava parties start out rowdy but slowly fade to somnolent whereas beer parties start out peaceful and soon turn to rowdy. That’s an insight I have stored away for future reference.
But back to the roadside signs. I certainly enjoyed “Hot Corn and Peanut”. As I drove past I could see the corn and it was beautifully marked with char lines – just as I like it – but I could not for the life of me spot the peanut. Perhaps it had fallen off.
I saw many signs offering “Boil Peanuts”. On the edge of Suva Municipal Market sits this sign:
“Proffesional shoe and bag repairs. We are best stiches.”
On a Lautoka shopfront: “Clothes - $5 each”.
Time to move on to professionally painted examples. Let’s start with “Fatty’s Shop” then move quickly on to “Shan’s Varieties”. What does Shan sell? Varieties, of course.
“Singh’s Friendly” was handsomely painted across the front of another business building. No, it was all evenly spaced so it was clear they didn’t intend to feature a noun.
One of the darkest examples was on the side of a building in Suva:
Yes, it’s real. I sat in front of it, wondering, until the car park attendant started to approach me because I clearly looked suspicious.
So, to oral signs or announcements. At the airport before departure I enjoyed the airlines’ different ways of using euphemisms to “explain” delays.
One airline used “because of operational reasons” which I translated as, “We currently don’t know what we’re doing”.
But the old favourite we get fed at home was there too: “due to the late arrival of the incoming aircraft”. I always enjoy that. Who operates the incoming aircraft?
I’ll close with a road sign I have devised. I feel it captures the relaxed spirit of the place in a positive way and I am happy to share it with Fiji’s tourism authorities for big money: “Fiji. Slow Down”.
* Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker who’s been holidaying in Fiji
