Things young dads need to know

Birth and parenting educator Janine Gard.

Janine Gard is a diploma-qualified birth educator (2005) and founder of Bellies to Babies antenatal and postnatal classes. She has helped more than 3700 parents prepare themselves mentally, emotionally and physically for their journey to parenthood and loves what she does. This week Janine talks about becoming a dad in your teens.

Becoming a parent can be one of the biggest and most demanding changes a person can go through, and if you're a teen and you've recently learned that you are going to become a dad, this could be a confusing time for you.

It's completely normal to have lots of different thoughts and feelings, and it may take a long time to get used to the idea of becoming a dad. Young dads are among the most socially excluded parenting groups throughout the world. They often miss out on the support networks that most parents take for granted and rely on. While most attention and efforts are focused on mums and babies, fathers are equally vital to developing healthy and self-sufficient young families.

When you find out you are going to be a dad, you might feel a range of emotions including shock, excitement, anger and uncertainty. It's important to reflect on your own on how involved you want to be. Research shows children who have their fathers involved in their life have better physical and mental health as well as other benefits. Your involvement can start in pregnancy. It is important to have an open and honest conversation with the pregnant individual and respect each other's views.

How can you help during the pregnancy?

● Communicate. Talk with your partner about their feelings and fears – they may be having some of the same thoughts as you. Give them a chance to let you know how they are feeling and spend time listening to what they have to say

● Be sensitive and understand that they may be physically uncomfortable at times and may notice changes in their mood

● Make it clear that you are in this together. Let them know that you want to be included in the pregnancy. This may include going to medical appointments, having a conversation with their parents, and preparing for the baby together

● Attend antenatal classes together

● Do some reading about parenting to help you prepare

● Plan ahead. Think about the financial needs of raising a child and start saving money (if you can).

The younger you are, the more everyone will feel compelled to tell you how to hold your baby, or what to feed them or how to dress them. This advice is often peppered with false compliments like "What a good dad you are", or "You did a great job dressing her", only to be immediately undone with "for a dad".

Other issues faced by young dads:

● Judgmental attitudes. Lots of young dads say they feel ignored, dismissed or thought of as too young or not responsible enough to look after their child

● Some young dads lack a supportive network, whether that's family, friends or access to services

● Unstable housing and homelessness

● Some young fathers have difficulty gaining access to their children due to conflict with ex-partners.

How you can help:

● Find whatever way you can to let your partner sleep. You may be tempted to think, "Oh, I've got work in the morning". But keep in mind she has work in the morning, too, and at night, and every other time. If your baby is on formula, this is easy — take over the night feedings. If she's breastfeeding, this can be harder. However, if she can pump a small supply ahead of time, you can warm it up and do the feedings too.

● Sometimes you can't let her sleep. She has to get up, feed the baby, and take care of a multitude of things, expected and unexpected, that crop up during the night when you have a little one. This is not your free pass to continue snoring while she handles everything. When she gets up, get up with her. See if you can bring her anything, or just be there with her and provide support. Having a baby is incredibly draining, physically and emotionally. It can mean the world just to be there with your partner, even if they don't need you to do something specific.

● The market for baby products is massive and when you first start it seems like you need everything. You don't. You really don't. And you can make yourself crazy trying to use something complicated when a simple solution (or no solution) is actually easier. Baby monitors, carriers and prams all have complicated and expensive versions. Find what works for you, but don't fall for every gimmick that promises to make your life easier.

● You may feel the need to stay inside with your new baby. They are so small, and the thought of going out into the world with them can be terrifying. However, your baby is tougher than you think. Dress her warmly, pop on a hat, grab your favourite carrier and go outside. You'll instantly go from feeling cooped up and crazy to refreshed, and it will make it way easier to face the rest of your day.

● It can be scary to hold your new baby in your arms. If you haven't had a lot of experience with babies it can be absolutely terrifying. However, your baby is sturdy. The chances of you hurting them by holding them are very slim. However, the chance of hurting your relationship with your baby if you don't hold them is 100 per cent.

● This is one of the most important times to bond with your child. Hold them, and hold them close. Wear them in a sling, or do skin-to-skin and let them lie on your chest. You'll gain confidence more quickly than you think, and you'll lay down the foundation for a bond that will last a lifetime.

● Babies love singing. A calming lullaby works wonders, and babies love to interact with Patty Cake or other hand-clapping songs and rhymes. However, if you stick just to children's songs you will soon be losing your mind. Instead, try playing your own music for the baby. Pick up your guitar and sing, or tell Alexa to play Green Day. Your baby will love it, and you will keep your sanity. After some time with your own music, you'll be mentally prepared for another 40 rounds of Patty Cake.

● Trust yourself. Within just a few short months of parenting, you will know a lot about your baby. You'll know what they like and don't like, how you and your partner like to dress them, and you'll be intimately familiar with their entire daily routine. This won't stop random people from saying "Is your baby comfortable in that sling?" But don't let them get to you. Trust yourself and the fact that you do indeed know your own baby.

■ Bellies to Babies Antenatal & Postnatal Classes, baby massage courses and baby and infant first aid courses, 2087 Pakowhai Rd, Hawke's Bay, 022 637 0624. https://www.hbantenatal-classes.co.nz/

Medical disclaimer: This page is for educational and informational purposes only and may not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended to replace medical advice offered by physicians.