So, brace yourselves, because here come the figures. I intend to raise New Zealand’s GST to 17.5% on all goods and services, effective immediately. No, on second thoughts, make that 20%. If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.
And, I suppose, when I say “all” goods and services, I really mean most. In fact, a few products will have the GST element removed altogether. I state quite categorically here and now there will be no GST on golf equipment, campaign caps, or fake tanning products. Those are exempt, and I’m firm on that. Well, a bit firm.
Oh, there will be critics, I know, but it’s all about making New Zealand great again, and that’s what I’m about. I accept there could be teething problems. Perhaps, because of that, I might consider removing the GST from dentistry as well. I’m a fair man.
So, to summarise so far, GST will rise to 20% on all goods and services except golf gear, campaign caps, fake tanning products and dentistry. This is effective immediately … or maybe next week — to give people time to get the hang of it. Yes, next week it is. Definitely.
If any of the products are imported from China, Canada or Mexico, they will incur a higher GST rate of 40%, and I’m firm on that, too. No, make that 50%.
Bystander: Do you think, for the sake of our health, that you could also remove the GST on fresh fruit and vegetables? I ask in the interest of making New Zealand great again.
Okay, I’ll do that for broccoli and pears only, and I’m firm on that. Oh, all right, carrots, too.
I’ve had a few minutes to think all this over now, so I’d already like to make some simple changes. The flat rate of GST will now rise to 25% (except on the aforementioned items) and 60% to goods from China, Canada or Mexico. This will come into effect next Thursday.
No, make that Friday.
Chinese Person: Your 60% and up 5%.
Canadian Person: We’ll withhold all maple syrup exports in protest.
Mexican Person: Ditto, sombreros.
Right, it is clearly coming to the point where I’m going to throw my bucket and spade out of the sandpit. Are you all forgetting that this is to make New Zealand great again?
Allow me to sum it all up succinctly for you: maple syrup will be drizzled over Canadians. Sombrero-wearing Mexicans will be entitled to dentistry, and China will have to play by itself in the naughty corner. I can’t be more decisive than that.
Sombrero: You don’t play fair!
Maple Syrup: Oooh, a talking hat!
Carrot: And how do I claim back my GST?
Enough! I’m afraid this has all become way too silly, so I feel desperate measures are called for. From midnight tonight (or possibly thereabouts) the standard GST rate for everyone — no exceptions — will be 145%. And that’s firm. Pretty much.
Except for golfing equipment, campaign caps and fake tanning products.
New Zealand is already beginning to feel greater.
I think.
