LAURA FRANKLIN: NZ's worst boyfriend comes up short

Well guys, you can relax.
Sure, you might have some serious character flaws - that pathological fear of commitment, the inability to ever pick up your own socks, the total lack of romantic charm, a weird smell and an unpleasant propensity for scratching while watching television.
But you are not - for now at least - New Zealand's worst boyfriend. (Phew!) Unless you are Josh Short, of Auckland. He's the winner (and I use the term loosely) of an online hunt for the shabbiest other-half in the country.
Came up short, you might say. Drew the short straw. This man was accused of being tardy, forgetful, highly-strung and kinky.
Of course, you'd be perfectly right in pointing out that there are worse crimes than those in the history of boyfriend bastardry. Why so harsh on Josh?
I'll tell you why: For the simple reason that he was nominated by no fewer than six different girls.
So that's tardy, forgetful, highly strung, kinky and anybody's.
Quite an impressive feat. And worth noting that he was up against stiff competition: The guy who cheated on his girlfriend ... with her mother. The guy who flew on ahead to England while his partner of eight years quit her job, sold her car and furniture, gave up her flat, prepared to join him and then discovered he wasn't taking her calls and had changed his e-mail address.
The guy who abandoned his girlfriend in a remote, non English-speaking part of France while he shacked up with a local barmaid for five days.
All fine and worthy members of the Hall of Shame. But Josh won the day through sheer weight of numbers and the admirable philosophy: "I'm here for a good time - and a short time."
As a prize, he received tickets to the Big Day Out, beer money and the spectacle of a plane flying over the event waving a flag that said extremely unkind things about his sexual preferences, which I will not repeat in this forum for fear of alarming the children.
Plus, as his special bonus prize, all six of the ex-girlfriends also received tickets to the festival - no doubt making it a very Big and also very Frightening Day Out for Mr Short.
One of those former squeezes was reported as ranting (possibly even in a single breath): "Today will go down in New Zealand history as the day New Zealand men realised they can no longer take New Zealand girls for granted."
Another shrilled (while shaking her fist in the air, I expect): "This is one small step for New Zealand men but one giant step for New Zealand girls."
All of which makes you feel just a bit sorry for poor old Josh, and raises the question: What on earth were the other four like?
Apparently taking his public humiliation in good part, Josh just grinned in a roguish but probably adorable way and claimed the problem was that he just hadn't found his "Mrs Right".
And no doubt, going by his track record, he went home from the Big Day Out with a new babe who either didn't see the X-rated aerial banner or was strangely intrigued by it.
It's odd, don't you think, that a lad can be mercilessly outed as a bad'un and yet it can leave his charisma completely untarnished.
It's that likeable cad thing. A bloke can carry his ill-treatment of women as a badge of honour.
Call him "New Zealand's Worst Boyfriend" and a certain type of optimistic chick will want to change him, save him, be the one to make the difference in his shallow, amoral, sexually devious life.
But imagine a guy being lumbered with the opposite title: "Boyfriend of the Year". Yeuch!
Don't you just hate him? A mushy, rose-toting, New Age yes-man.
He'd have no mates, would wear argyle sweaters and boat shoes, and would have lived with his mother for many years before moving in with his special lady to cook quiche and do laundry.
So the bad boyfriend is a rebellious hero, while the good boyfriend would be laughed at.
Yet, conversely, the bad girlfriend would be frowned on, and in fact there would never be such a competition because women would be mortally offended and emotionally damaged. There would be charges of exploitation, objectification and defamation. Then there would be floods of tears and the slamming of doors.
It's a shame, really. Because if we could find New Zealand's worst girlfriend, she would probably be the perfect Mrs Short.