Forget AI – meet Synonym Superman: Wyn Drabble

Wyn Drabble this week enjoys a chat with some virtual word nerds. Photo / Warren Buckland

Opinion

Synonym Superman and Friends

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, writer, public speaker and musician. He is based in Hawke’s Bay

OPINION

This week, I have an exclusive for you – it will certainly be of interest to school pupils needing help with their English writing homework.

It’s a rare interview with one of the country’s newest superheroes, Synonym Superman.

From now, you can forget artificial intelligence.

Me: Welcome along, Syn Supe, if I may be so boldly informal as to abbreviate your name.

SS: Thank you, much obliged, merci. I am delighted, chuffed, honoured , charmed, thrilled to be here and yes, affirmative, you may abbreviate, abridge, condense, contract, prune my name as you wish. And may I call, name, refer to, address you as W?

W: Of course, though I trust you realise that W has more syllables than Wyn? Language is a strange beast.

SS: I am aware, cognisant of that fact, that reality.

W: So, may I ask you about the origins of your new super service?

SS: Yes, affirmative, of course, certainly you may.

W: And may I ask you now?

SS: Oui, si, āe.

W: How did your new service originate?

SS: So, well, you know, um, it was market-driven, trade-focused, fuelled by demand. Today’s kids or young, are having their use of AI curtailed, restricted, cut back in school, and they can’t be bothered using old-fashioned, dated books, so the thesaurus gets little use, little employment. But they get the chance, the opportunity to interface, consult with me, an actual, real human who happens to be a superhero, a megastar.

W: Interesting! And I must say your outfit is very fetching. You can’t go wrong with undies over tights. And how do potential clients contact you?

SS: Through/per social media, Facebook, Tik Tok and the like. And my good friend and colleague Mighty Metaphor Man can also offer superb, spectacular aid, assistance with creative/poetic writing/penning.

W: Whoa, I did not know that. I’ll bring him in to our conference immediately (presses buttons on phone). Come in, Mighty Metaphor Man.

MMM: Yes, hello. Apparently, I’m a fountain of inspiration to students tasked with producing creative writing. When their verbal well runs dry, I can turn their tap on again for them.

W: Great! And is there a Super Simile Man?

MMM: There certainly is, and, as luck would have it, Lady Luck is with us today as he’s right here with me.

SSM: I can help in the same way. I’m like a beacon of hope. For example, a client recently wrote as part of his schoolwork, “The storm was as wild as a feeding dog whose food is taken away from it as a joke and he thinks you’re stealing it (which you are not) and he gets really mad.” To improve this, I added “as a meat axe”.

W: Shouldn’t that be the job of Captain Cliche?

SSM: Yes, but he was as sick as a dog that day. Another client wrote, “He was as tall as a six foot three-inch tree”. I widened its appeal: “He was as tall as a six foot three-inch tree which, in metric measurement, is 1.9050 metres”.

CC: (butting in): Well, that’s certainly the cat’s pyjamas.

SS: Or just what the doctor or medical professional ordered.

So there you are, school kids of the nation, help is at hand. To those of you who were becoming reliant on AI, I say let’s do away with robotic tools and rely on real people who can assist by using a human brain.

But I think your teacher might want you to steer clear of Captain Cliche.

Personification Power Person: Hey, what about me? You’ve left me out. This column would smile with my input.

MMM: Nah! You’re toast.