Editorial: Er ... waiter, there's a bee in my bonnet

What are your pet peeves when dining out?

I'm guilty of never complaining in the event of shonky food experiences.

So, to make up for all the occasions I've bitten my tongue, here's this curmudgeon's top 10 dining peeves.

Spread it: Butter's a spread. Thus, spreadable. Don't serve it cold. A diamond in a snow blizzard is easier to strew across a scone.

False entry: "What brought you in today?" Quit the market research dressed as a greeting.

In house: Cafe staff on smoko break reading the only spare newspaper.

Currying flavour: Curry joints that ask "hot, medium or mild?" Anyone offering mild vindaloo (or hot butter chicken) needs the palate gauged.

Food retention: Restaurateurs who still insist waiters memorise orders and not write them down. Impressive but irrelevant.

The unusable wipe: Cafes serving plated sweets atop a napkin. I can hardly clean my gob with a napkin covered in yoghurt or chocolate.

The tepid tomato: A "cooked" tomato is not a heated tomato. Gelatinous please.

Read the room: Stock sense is a waiter's best friend. For the same reason I don't invite the pizza guy into my house for a chat, I don't want staffers one-lining me at each table pass.

Staff blast: From a venomous broadside to a subtle rolling of the eyes, telling the lackey off in full view is an appetite suppressor.

Unsolicited compliment: God help the next waiter who takes my order only to exclaim: "Excellent choice". I mean, thank goodness I passed the test. Not only condescending, but by omission suggests choosing other items on the menu would have shown extreme ignorance.

Tune in at the same spot later this week where I'll flip the tables and list my top 10 likes of the region's dining scene.