When Katrina McLean's husband Tom died of cancer aged 32, her world turned a dull sepia.
"Colours faded, the sun wasn't bright and the moon wasn't magical," McLean told Hawke's Bay Today.
It was a horrific time. Six months later, it's still hard. But through it all, Cranford Hospice has been there to support the Napier woman and her kids.
She's determined to pay it back.
Tom died in the hospice on March 30, leaving behind McLean and their two young children Max and Poppy.
He was diagnosed with a rare cardiac sarcoma cancer in 2019, which by the time lockdown in hit in 2020, had spread all over his body, and he moved into Cranford's care.
When Tom was diagnosed with cancer, McLean was four months pregnant with Poppy and on his second to last day of chemotherapy she gave birth to Poppy.
McLean says she desperately wants to see "the magical" and "the colours" again.
She says it'll take a number of small steps, including attending a grief course in October.
One of those steps will be to skydive. It's something she's always feared, so she's going to do it for a good cause - Cranford.
"The hospice were amazing at supporting both Tom and I during his journey and our kids," McLean said.
"Not only were they on call for us, they took him in as an inpatient, make sure he was pain-free and looked after me. They offer counselling services for myself and the kids.
"They are great but terribly underfunded."
She said going through the journey with her husband was "scary", but with the help and support of family, friends and Cranford, she is getting through it "step by step".
"I wanted to give back to Cranford in a way that scares me.
"I cried on the elevator at Sky Tower last year, I cried and couldn't look down when Tom and I were going up the Eiffel Tower."
McLean says in early November - near her birthday - she will be skydiving with a friend at Taupo Tandem skydive.
The height they jump from will depend on the money they raise, but ideally she was hoping to raise $4000 by November, which would mean a 15,000 feet jump.
McLean hopes it'll be one of the steps that get her back to living again.
"This doesn't mean I won't think of Tom. I think about him every day. I will love him and he'll always be a part of me. It means I am living life with my grief."