How acceptable is it to be gay in Tauranga?

There's a Bible Belt that loops itself around the heart of Tauranga.
Manicured roads that curl the breadth of the city will inevitably lead to a white chapel. And if not a chapel, a retirement village.
Tauranga, is by all appearances, a city of impeccable wholesomeness.
So it might come as a surprise to many that Tauranga is also a city of out-and-proud gays.
As straight-talking lesbian Monique Edwards-Shipton puts it: "There's gay people for Africa. They're everywhere."
And today, on this balmy Tuesday in a white house in biblically-named Bethlehem, Monique sits on a grey couch with her wife of four years, Renee Shipton, and everything seems, well, quite normal.
Monique says heterosexuals would never know it but there was a "huge" gay population in Tauranga.
While hard to quantify a number, Monique said there would be "easily thousands".
The only difference from gay capital Auckland is there's no flutters of pink eyelashes down Devonport Rd.
"In Auckland, you think gay, you think PVC, nose rings ... Village People. Well, I hardly ever wear my PVC," Monique says with a cheeky grin.
The white French doors in the family lounge are flung open and Tess, the neapolitan mastiff with her glossy black coat, is lying at Renee's feet.
It's a feminine, cosy house, with a red flower motif on the wall, sparkly beaded shoots poking out from a sculptured pot-plant and an orange candle by the TV.
Monique, with her long hair, says she doesn't look gay and doesn't believe she acts the way heterosexuals expect her to.
"Yip, I'm quite feminine. I wear make-up, frocks, I do my nails; just an ordinary woman. Whereas Renee would never wear a dress."
Renee, with her short back-and-sides haircut, no jewellery and dressed almost entirely in black, has whipped off her ear muffs and taken a break from mowing the lawn.
The pair consider themselves as the average lesbian couple in Tauranga and say like all couples, they do boring, ordinary, everyday things like "fight over domestic chores".
But while heterosexual relationships have "very clear roles", the women say theirs are "very fluid".
They are equals. Despite heterosexuals often making the conclusion Monique must be the woman and Renee the man "because she's got the gay haircut".
Monique, who is 33 and a drug and alcohol counsellor, grew up in Tauranga but didn't meet Renee, a psychology student, until she was 27.
One broken heterosexual relationship and baby girl later, Monique found herself in the "flibbertigibbet stage", aka, "bisexual".
"But I didn't label myself. I was just me. At the end of the day, I would have called myself pansexual. That's when you're attracted to the person, not the sex."
And Renee was that person.
The pair laugh at the fact they met at Video Ezy in Greerton.
Renee was admittingly taking a risk when she approached Monique and flirtingly suggested a MacGyver box-set over the thriller Monique was holding.
While "butch lesbians stick out like a sore thumb", others, like Monique, aren't so obvious.
But she says "there's that intangible thing we call our 'gaydar' and we can just kinda tell sometimes. You can tell if someone is receptive to certain [flirting] signals, it's no different to the straight world."
One thing Monique wants to set straight though, is it's a myth all lesbians are attracted to all women. "Not true," she says, firmly.
Equality or near-equality in the eyes of the law doesn't change social prejudice.
Monique and Renee have had to battle to gain acceptance from even their own families.
While Monique's family are Roman Catholics, Renee's mother is Christian.
"A lot of Christians are judgmental," Renee says unapologetically.
Renee, 28, "came out" at 18, and her mother chose not to attend their civil union in 2007.
It was August 2006 when solo-parent Monique, then 27, decided to "come out". And she did so at Pak'n Save, as she and her mother pulled into a carpark.
Monique, who'd previously been in heterosexual relationships, had been hanging out with Renee for some time and her parents had worked out Renee was from what they referred to as "the rainbow nation".
That day, outside the supermarket, she told her mother: "Mum, you know how Renee is from the rainbow nation?' Well, I am too'."
The reply? "Oh."
Monique says: "My mum is very proper. She always wears a skirt. She's never worn trousers in her life."
Her mother immediately got out of the car and went into the supermarket.
"She whizzes through the veges and I catch up with her at the cheese."
Her mother says: "I've got a few things to ask about that." But she never did.
Being gay puts Monique and Renee in a minority group.
"People are always going to have a problem with it but, if they don't want to get to know me, I don't care. As a person, I haven't changed," Renee says.
"I hate the labelling words like 'gay, lesbian, homo' because you actually just fall in love with the person."
Monique, who tips her head and smiles at Renee when she says this, agrees.
"Faggot is definitely not an acceptable word. And lesbian man-hater is another label, which is not correct. We have dads, brothers ..."
"After I told my family I was gay, some of them thought I was going to go weird and start wearing handcuffs. I was going to flibbertigibbet around town and frequent public toilets."
The notion causes both Monique and Renee to laugh.
The truth they say, is far from that.
Renee says heterosexuals in Tauranga are respectful of gay men and women, and they in turn, are respectful of heterosexuals.
"We don't march for gay rights and crap. We just want to be normal, so we act normal," Renee says.
Monique agrees: "If we act like responsible citizens then people respect us."
In April, a Shortland Street episode which portrayed Tauranga as being intolerant of gay people infuriated tourism bosses and some residents, Bay of Plenty Times reported at the time. In the episode of the TV2 soap, bisexual character Nicole, played by Sally Martin, complained it was difficult to "come out" in the city.
"Your mum lives in the big smoke - it's more tolerated there. This is Tauranga," she said.
The night before, Nicole's mother had told character Gerald he should change his shirt before he went out, implying it was "too gay" for Tauranga.
But Monique says she couldn't understand the fuss.
"When I heard that, I thought 'what a load of bollocks'. It is a misconception."
Renee agrees. "While it's been good to have Maia, Nicole, Gerald and Jay on Shortland Street, people don't kind of count them ... they're still not the stereotypical lesbian couple".
Renee is "stepmum" to Monique's 10-year-old daughter, who they say is a "well-balanced little girl" and has only been teased once about her mother being in a gay relationship.
Monique says another myth about lesbians is their children are at risk of turning gay.
"They forget we had straight parents."
To ease the judgments and fears of others, at the start of the year she always tells her daughter's teacher and the parents of her daughter's closest friends that she is in a gay relationship,
"I don't rock around with a sign saying 'Hey, I'm a lesbian'. But equally, I'm not hiding it," Monique says.
"I kinda forget. It's not until I'm at a school event or got a kid over, I think 'oops, I better tell the parents'.
"I slip it into conversation 'Oh, my wife Renee' and let them do the asking. Most of the time it's me with the hang-ups, not them.
"I think [lesbian comedians] the Topp Twins have done a lot for the gay community in regard to how normal they are, and how they're respected worldwide in the heterosexual and homosexual worlds.
"Really," Monique adds with an emphasis on the word. "We are ordinary women."
***
TV star Oprah Winfrey took the worst of the flak when Bret Holmes "came out" to his mother six years ago at the age of 30.
He was seeing a part-African man at the time and his flabbergasted mother deplored "It's that bloody Oprah! Oh, it's all fashionable to be gay".
When really, Bret said, he knew he was gay at the age of 11.
The owner of The Salon on The Strand is immaculately dressed in tailored black - except for a brown belt - with two silver rings and one gold with tiny diamonds, on his right pinkie finger.
Bret, 38, has a fashionable, yet boyish haircut. His hands fly when he talks.
He says after living in liberal London for a number of years, it was a sharp jolt down to earth when he moved to Whakatane - population 18,000 - and then Tauranga, six years ago.
"I would hate to be someone brand new coming into Tauranga and being gay if they are single, because a lot of us understand there is nothing here for us in big groups. We have quietly filtered ourselves around heterosexual groups," he says.
"The community is still not comfortable and there are no support groups here."
Gay acceptance by the majority in general can wallpaper over the fact that many individuals in Tauranga still face isolation and homophobia.
"I hate the word 'redneck' but I think we are quietly conservative," Bret says.
Earlier this year, More FM's breakfast show came under fire after a host was accused of "acting like a poofter" and a complaint was made to the Broadcasting Standards Authority. The complaint was not upheld. Members of the gay community set up a Facebook page called "More FM - Say Sorry!" in response.
At the time, Mediaworks and More FM general manager Tim Lockhart said 80 per cent of votes from listeners supported the Broadcasting Standards Authority decision.
Bret says he is careful and aware of the attitudes of others.
"Turning up to nightclubs or bars ... it's about reading the situation because no one wants to end up in a gutter.
"There's always that side ... people change with alcohol."
Like Monique and Renee, Bret says gay people are not extrovert in Tauranga. He believes overt public displays of affection aren't acceptable to those who are straight or gay.
"We don't need to drop all our boundaries - in both worlds. Walking up the street holding hands is beautiful but when you start seeing (more), that's not appropriate."
But acceptance is required.
"The saddest thing in the whole wide world is to one day want to make yourself happy.
"Happy comes from honesty and should we all not have that?
"Being gay is my sexuality, not my personality.
"Get to know the man and get to know the friend."
While in large it seems homosexuals are out and proud in Tauranga, clinical psychologist Hans Laven said he had also had clients who had not "come out" for fear of retribution.
He said Tauranga had a "big Bible Belt" with more than 100 Christian churches and a lot of retirees.
"There's also no university here which limits its trends, to keep it a bit conservative."
Laven, a psychologist of 28 years, says many homosexuals are scared that if their family and friends find out they'll be disowned.
"And they want to get ahead in their career, get married and have an orthodox profile. But it is a deeply set part of their identity," Laven says.
"There is no evidence to suggest it is genetic but, certainly, from very early on in childhood."
According to the internet, most scientific organisations believe homosexuality is not a choice and biology plays some role.
Scientists have not been able to conclude that there is any gene or combination of genes that will make someone gay.
Laven says while it is possible to change most sexual interests, research suggests it's not realistic to change gender orientation.
It is now nearly 25 years since homosexuality was decriminalised in New Zealand and, prior to that, it was illegal and was once deemed a "mental illness".
Laven said gay men were seen as avoiding their responsibility to society by not reproducing or going to the defence for their country.
"It was seen as a happy-go-lucky lifestyle and that, somehow, it would spread like cancer if tolerated. That they'll guide young boys into it," he says.
"But it's no more easy to convert to homosexuality than the other way round.
"And although the law has changed, culture moves slowly and there's still a lot of prejudice against homosexuality."
Youth were more accepting than any other group, he believed.
He knows of a teenage boy who is "as camp as a row of tents" and doesn't seek to hide himself in Tauranga.
"He is open in a effeminate way.
"The Emo-goth fashion is somewhat effeminate. The culture is gradually changing."
Lesbian Tangiwai Egan says into the phone "I don't take no **** from nobody". The 53-year-old Tauranga woman has been in a lesbian relationship for 27 years and says people are always going to talk and make inappropriate comments but the way she sees it is "well, everybody to their own".
"The people of Tauranga Moana, they are very supportive of my partner and myself. I don't have a down day. I'm like this all the time - happy, happy, happy."
Tangaiwai and her partner mix "with the straight - not with the gay scene".
"We don't do 'gay dos'. It's not us. We stick to ourselves."
Priscilla Penniket, who works for gay support organisation Rainbow Youth in Auckland, said she wouldn't even know how to meet gay people in Tauranga.
She didn't come out until she moved away from the city at the age of 18.
At 15, she knew she was gay but there was no way she felt she could tell.
"It's pretty hard coming out at high school 'cause high schools are pretty harsh. I didn't want to give any reason to be bullied," she says.
Penniket, 25, says Tauranga residents are brought up with limited images of gay people.
"You don't see many people that are that different here. There is still a stigma about sexuality and homophobia happens in really subtle ways nowadays, saying 'that's so gay' is one example.
"If you want to go out and meet people, it's not as easy. I wouldn't even know how to meet gay people in Tauranga."
Te Puke Hotel food and beverage manager Kevin Haraki-Beckett met his husband, Ben, through friends in Hamilton and says the Bay is a great place to be gay. The 34-year-old has had no negative comments since moving to Te Puke 10 years ago and believes it's because he and Ben, who celebrated a civil union in April, are "normal".
"We like to try and blend in, not be seen as being part of a minority. Being gay does not mean you have to have gay friends or wear women's clothes."
Kevin says he wears what every other man wears, albeit slightly more "trendy and funky".
"Even at the grand old age of 34, I'm still in with the Meccano fashion," he jokes. "We are immaculately groomed."
Kevin and Ben's home is their castle and the "hub of social life and many gatherings".
"I love cooking and entertaining."
Kevin says in large, "we're just normal people dealing with everyday life".
And like normal people, gays are stereotyped "like blondes, red heads and rugby players".
"People say 'Oh it must be so hard to be born gay'. Well, red heads are born with red hair and freckles and they still manage to deal with it. It's the fear of the unknown and when people get to know us, they soon discover why it is important to have an open mind."
Interestingly, all of the gay people interviewed in this article said they had more heterosexual friends than homosexual.
Marriage and civil union celebrant Jill Shephard has presided over close to 10 civil unions for homosexual couples and doesn't see it as any different from a wedding.
"Some [celebrants] are uncomfortable with gay people. I just see it as a tolerance thing. It's my job to give them the ceremony they want."
But there will always be those who are hard to convince.
Pastor Andrew Warren, chairman of Tauranga Christian Ministers Association, agrees Tauranga is considered to be "a conservative city - a bit of a Bible Belt".
"The vast majority of churches - certainly those churches and pastors who hold to the Bible as being the inspired Word from God - would not have changed in their position regarding homosexual lifestyle choices."
Pastor Warren says the Bible states adultery, theft, murder, abortion and homosexuality "separate people from a right relationship with the Creator and, therefore, are ultimately destructive".
On the flip side, he says, "fortunately God's grace extends to forgiveness and the power to change - and this is the position that the majority of churches would take on this issue".
But for those who are gay, they stand tall and deliver a universal message we can all take something from.
"We are very comfortable with who we are and, at the end of the day, you live in an environment where you feel like you can be yourself," says Kevin Haraki-Beckett.
"What we do in our private life and behind closed doors is our business - gay or straight.
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