"Guilty of Too Much To Say" 2 by permission of Janet Hutchings

'REFLECTIONS.

AN EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK BY GEOFF BARTON - WRITTEN ON THE COMPUTER IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS OF HIS LIFE USING THE BIG TOE OF HIS RIGHT FOOT-THE ONLY PART OF HIS BODY HE COULD STILL CONTROL.

"IT IS NOW LATE MARCH 1999 AND I HAVE BEEN LYING ON MY HOSPICE PROVIDED BED FURTIVELY TAPPING OUT THIS STORY FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS

IT HAS BEEN A LABOUR OF LOVE WITH MY LIMITED CREATIVE FLOW BEING HALTED A FEW TIMES BY SPELLS OF WRITER'S BLOCK OR WRITER'S CRAMP IN MY RIGHT FOOT

AND MY INEXPERIENCE AS AN AUTHOR HAS MEANT MANY DISCARDED PAGES AND QUITE A FEW REWRITES

BECAUSE OF THIS I AM NOT EXPECTING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR LITERATURE OR EVEN A PULITZER NOMINATION

AFTER MY DIAGNOSIS JANET AND I DID QUITE A LOT OF READING ABOUT THE DISEASE; WE GATHERED INFORMATION FROM A NUMBER OF SOURCES WHICH WAS EITHER COLDLY CLINICAL OR MIND NUMBINGLY DEPRESSING

I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING POSITIVE ABOUT MND EXCEPT FOR A SMALLER GROCERY BILL ONCE A GASTRIC FEED IS INTRODUCED BUT SOME OF THE PERSONAL ACCOUNTS THAT I READ WERE NOTHING SHORT OF NIGHTMARISH

EVEN WITH THIS IN MIND I DID NOT DELIBERATELY SET OUT TO BE FLIPPANT OR UNCHARITABLE, I SIMPLY CALL LIFE THE WAY I SEE IT AND IF JUST ONE PERSON LEARNS SOMETHING ABOUT LIVING WITH MND OR FINDS A PARAGRAPH TO SMILE ABOUT THEN THE EFFORT HAS BEEN WORTHWHILE

- WHEN JANET ASKED ME IF IT WAS HARD TO ACCEPT THE LACK OF MOBILITY ALONG WITH MY LOSS OF SPEECH I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE AND USING MY LIGHT WRITER I TOLD HER THAT I DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT I CAN NO LONGER DO - I PREFER TO CONCENTRATE ON THE THINGS THAT I COULD STILL ACHIEVE"

AND 'PARTING WORDS'

"ON MANY OCCASIONS DURING MY LIFE I WAS GUILTY OF HAVING TOO MUCH TO SAY

THEREFORE I FIND IT RATHER IRONIC THAT I SHOULD SUFFER A DISEASE

THAT WOULD LITERALLY LEAVE ME SPEECHLESS

TRUTH BE KNOWN I PROBABLY WORE MY VOICE OUT THROUGH OVER USE AS TIME WENT BY AND I WAS SLOWLY ROBBED OF EVERY PHYSICAL TREASURE

I BECAME AN OBSERVER OF LIFE RATHER THAN A PARTICIPANT

BUT IT WAS NOT ALL DOOM AND GLOOM

I WAS ABLE TO BECOME A FULL-TIME COUCH POTATO WITHOUT A SINGLE TWINGE OF GUILT

MY FINAL WORDS ARE FOR JANET

YOU WERE MY NURSE, MY VOICE, MY MOTIVATOR MY FRIEND AND MY LOVE

YOU OFTEN BORE THE BRUNT OF MY FRUSTRATION AND IMPATIENCE AND ON OCCASION, YOU SHOWED ME MY PLACE AND PUT ME IN IT - BUT DESPITE EVERYTHING, I DARE NOT THINK OF HOW I WOULD HAVE COPED WITHOUT YOU

I HAVE KNOWN YOU FOR WELL OVER TWENTY YEARS BUT RIGHT UP TO THE END

YOU COULD STILL TAKE MY BREATH AWAY BY SIMPLY ENTERING THE ROOM."

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This autobiography gives great insight into Geoff's invincible spirit, his determination and humour, which served him so well and which live on in his family.

Thank you Janet Hutchings for giving permission to us to use this excerpt from your husband Geoff's book "Guilty of Too Much to Say"