4) Less science, more conspiracy theories. No man ever visited the moon; Barack Obama was not born in the US; 9-11 was a government plot; Obama bugged the Trump Tower ... the list is endless. I'll let you in on a secret: "They" don't want you to know the truth about these things. "They" think you're a bunch of sheep who believe whatever crap thousands of scientists publish using research, experiments and peer-reviewed data. Suckers. Patriots know internet scribes are the real experts. Don't let "them" tell you any different. You're too special. Check Reddit for proof. Tethering oneself to reality - overrated. And if you repeat a lie three times, people will believe it. All together now: Alternative facts are real. Alternative facts are real. Alternative facts are real.
5) Don't ask, just grab. Ladies love it.
6) Less truth, more lies. (though Bill English is off to a good start with the flip-flop over Todd Barclay's tape recordings). New Zealand's current and future PMs can take a page from Donald Trump's book by telling one lie each day. Take note: nothing is too big or too insignificant about which to tell a whopper: inauguration crowd size; whether you wanted to invade Iraq; vetting migrants; saving hundreds of millions of dollars on a plane; the country's murder rate; the Electoral College margin; an attack in Sweden; a trade deficit with Canada ... the world's your tio (oyster), Leader of the Land of the Long White Cloud. Invent whatever fiction you like - supporters will still cling to you like barnacles on that big fish tale you just shared. Ask if they like your new clothing while wearing your birthday suit.
7) More tweeting, less restraint. Reading our Prime Minister's tweets will lull you to sleep. Exhibit A from July 3: "Out and about in Auckland yesterday meeting with different ethnic communities." Come on, Bill, show some flair. Switch to something with more decorum, like, "I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe came ... to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!"
8) Build a wall. Or say you'll build a wall. Who cares if we're surrounded by water?
Walls are cool.
9) Mental health is overrated. The world's most awesome autocrats swim with peers who flaunt narcissistic personality disorder. Their Olympic-sized pool is filled with the sweat of fawning lackeys, axed associates and third wives. Sociopathy is to 2017 what emotional intelligence was to 2007. Get with the times, New Zealand.
10) Surround yourself with a higher calibre of staff. Preferably, ones unaware Hitler used chemical weapons, or that the boss ordered a travel ban. Don't let lack of qualifications stand in the way of giving someone a job. Ex-Wall Street millionaires need purpose.
We have much to learn from the leader of the free world. If we follow his example, Aotearoa could be the greatest little country the bottom of the world has ever known.
• Dawn Picken also writes for the Bay of Plenty Times Weekend and tutors at Toi Ohomai. She is a former TV journalist and marketing director who lives in Papamoa with her husband, two school-aged children and a dog named Ally.