When mum feels all alone

In an increasingly transient society, friends and support agencies often take on the role of extended family when it comes to raising a baby. Julia Proverbs looks at how modern day parenting is a whole new ball game

I am standing in a room full of strangers clutching a ball of wool, pretending to be a milk duct.
My mission - to throw it over to the "nipple" in the corner.
(The "nipple" being a coveted role among the men in the room.)
Nervously I fling it into the air (ball sports have never been my forte) and the nipple catches it. Yes, we have let-down!
Fast-forward five years to where I am now the proud mother of two beautiful girls - aged 5 and 2 - one of whom I struggled to breastfeed and, after much anguish, put on the bottle at six weeks, while the other was so attached to the boob I couldn't get her off it.
I don't know whether the role play with the ball of wool had much to do with my failure and subsequent success at breastfeeding, but it was the women in that room - including the nipple's wife - who got me through the first few years of parenting.
With my parents a six-hour drive away and my husband's a 24-hour flight away, the support I received from the women in my antenatal class was invaluable.
A place where expectant parents are given information to help them prepare for the birth of their first child, antenatal classes are also a place of kinship, where you can make lifelong friends.
Due to its transient population, isolation is a huge issue faced by new parents in Tauranga, says Plunket's Bay of Plenty community services leader, Katherine Lawrence.
Many new mums don't have family here and need to build other networks to fill the gap of absent mums, sisters, aunts and grandmothers.
"Isolation is a concern for lots of families, because in the 'olden days' lots of us grew up in an area or environment closer to where our families lived. These days people need to move to where the work is," says Lawrence.
"There are also a lot of people from overseas [living in Tauranga], particularly from the UK, who haven't got anyone - parents, sisters, aunties or grandparents. It's incredibly important."
Bay of Plenty Plunket receives at least a couple of calls a week from people in this position, she says.
And also from concerned relatives who live outside Tauranga but have family here who are struggling.
"I think people find it quite hard to break into the local community. It can be quite clicky and hard to meet other people and other families."
There is a strong feeling that a family centre, or similar type of service, such as a mothercraft unit, is needed in Tauranga to further support families, says Lawrence.
"It comes through regularly on the nurses' reports."
Nationally, Plunket sees more than 90 per cent of all new babies born in New Zealand.
In the Western Bay of Plenty there have been 1646 babies born in the year to date, from July 1, 2010.
The first port of call for most new mothers, Plunket provides well child health assessments, playgroups, social groups, parenting education, car seat rental schemes, education in schools, support groups and early childhood centers.
For 22-year-old Jess Morton, who is a solo parent to 14-month-old Emma, her isolation came from not knowing other mums her own age.
Studying towards a business diploma and working two part-time jobs, her life changed overnight when she unexpectedly fell pregnant.
Despite having her whole family in Tauranga, she felt very alone.
"As soon as I had my baby ... I didn't have friends going through what I was going through. I have only got a couple of friends really from beforehand. The others are overseas or out of town, studying or partying."
She joined Young Tauranga Mummies on Facebook and has since initiated a weekly playgroup with other young mothers who she would otherwise not have met.
"They are going through the same things as me. I was with a playgroup but the mums were a good five to 10 years older than me. It was fine but they still treated you like you were immature."
Young Tauranga Mummies is one of several internet forums Morton taps into for support.
Lawrence says lots of young mothers use Facebook and Twitter extensively.
"They find it's a way to meet with other mums. The web environment provides a lot more opportunities to connect with people."
Tauranga family counsellor and child therapist Marjorie Douglas says society has changed a lot and, with it, the way children are parented.
"People have to move away from their home town for job opportunities.
"If I could have another hat and organise a mothers' group, a place where young parents know they're not alone."
Parents are also struggling with a politically correct society that allows children a great deal of freedom, she adds.
"The other side of the coin of freedom includes things like antisocial behaviour. In the olden days they were more limited with freedom.
"There is a lack of discipline now because parents don't know [what to do]. Young mothers don't have the role models their mothers had when they were young.
"Discipline does not mean punishment. Discipline is teaching, coaching children on setting some limits about life, because the world out there is full of limits ... speed limits, drinking limits."
Douglas, who runs the The Incredible Years parenting programme for parents of pre-schoolers, says it's about helping parents to use "tools" to set limits and good routines at home.
The Incredible Years programme has been running worldwide for 30 years and is evidence-based, says Douglas.
"Incredible Years is the best approach from a family therapist's point of view on how to draw from the parents what they already know.
"Instead of just knowing, to applying it. It's about presenting universal parenting jewels in such a way parents can feel, 'I can give this a shot'."
The most important of those "jewels" is bonding, or relationship building.
"For a child, the most important feeling is to feel loved, respected and to have their needs met. To feel, 'I am a gift to life'."
Today's parents are bombarded with information but a practical approach is the most effective, says Douglas.
"Books are books ... it has to be a practical, hands-on approach."
Reading a book on parenting is like being sold a book on how to ride a bicycle, without being sold a bicycle, she analogises.
Or like learning to breastfeed without a ball of wool.