The wide, wide world of wellness merchandise just got weirder.
The Goop lady, Gwyneth Paltrow, has been selling a candle that she says smells like her vagina.
And selling is the right word as they have sold out.
She has clearly been burning a candle at both ends and been very busy as who knew there was a market for this?
How did she know there are people who would not go yuck Gwyneth – that is way too much information.
It does seem an odd way to relax, having it burning in their kitchen, thinking 'hey Gwyneth thanks for dufting the scent of your vagina into my wellness routine'.
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The advertising blurb says it is a "funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent", a mix of "geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed".
It is worth noting that some of the ideas put about within Goop are deemed a health risk with medical specialists advising against them but that does not seem to have deterred the ardent Goop-ista who fall for the pseudo-medico psycho-babble. It has made Gwyneth Paltrow very rich.
Have we missed the opportunity to get in on the wellness money gig? Maybe not.
This could change with my latest in a long line of satirical inventions.
The Sock Soothe comes in a small hand polished artisan crafted tin. Inside is an individually curated, piece of old gumboot sock beautifully folded into the shape of a small foot that will sooth shattered nerves with its raw but real hint of cowshed, sweat, sheep dip and toe-jam.
If your life is busy, hectic, stressful and you need some time alone, the Soothe Sock guarantees it will clear any room of people in minutes, creating a quiet space in which to relax. There is a choice of left or right sock origins.
An urban version will follow. This will feature old chewing gum, coffee, beer and pizza stains on an artfully crumbled but still valid bus ticket that has been discarded by a grumpy commuter then hand-picked by a highly trained gutter snipe from a bin in central Wellington.
The scent will linger in your home and enhance your wellbeing by encouraging you to leave the house and go for a walk – maybe even catch a bus. Your sense of wellbeing will soar as you pay for all this while decluttering your wallet/ handbag of all those pesky $20 notes that nobody can change into coins for you.
I am also working on a self-help book called How to Fake the Gallic Shrug. This will help with avoiding the need to respond to those who think everything is someone else's fault.
I am expecting this to be a big seller to a specific section of the population called the Shirk-shifters. The Shirk-shifter can use the Gallic Shrug (combined with 'je ne sais quoi') to the Shirkers - those who waste large swathes of time and expend enormous amounts of energy blaming the whole world for their dilemma's while doing nothing to change things.
This whole wellness/self-help gig is a money machine that chews up science as a healthy breakfast, with a bit of anti-vaxxer ranting to warm up followed by the buying of expensive special clothes that makes you look like you might be on the way to the gym while sipping the latest $10 faddish drink of something that tastes suspiciously like mud.
If that is wellness then, well, I want some of what the wellness industry are having as they are doing very well thank you.
•Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a satirista, writer and musician.