SKIP Whanganui: Kids need to know they have support

BULLYING is very distressing. Children need to know they have our support as they can be afraid to tell anyone else what is going on in case they get into more trouble with the bully. Every child needs to know they have a safe person on their side who will take them seriously.

Here are some things you can do to help ...

Be a great listener: This will give you permission to help. Where questioning, interrogating, advising, comparing, sympathising or lecturing techniques tend to close communication down rather than open it up, simply nodding, saying "Mmm" or "That sounds like it was hard" communicates that we care and are more interested in letting the other person speak, than putting our spin on it.

Our biggest challenge is not to offer anything else at this stage. Our sensitive listening helps a child feel heard, which communicates love and support. A child will also feel that because we are not offering a range of solutions, we believe in their ability to come up with a solution.

Please note - there are times to listen and times to act upon a child's concerns.

Explaining to a child what is going on inside a bully: Bullies often don't feel very good about themselves and the only way they know how to feel better is to make others feel bad. The bully's own self-esteem is often shaky and the only way they know how to make friends is to dominate them or keep them away from other friends.

Help your child identify the qualities that make a good friend: A good friend needs to be honest, keep their word, and not be so exclusive that no one else can join the group. They need to be someone who can share their opinions without insisting that everyone else has to have the same line of thought. They are fun to be with and let you be yourself. Discuss how your child can be a good friend.

Give your child words or phrases to use to "bounce" unkind words off her: Instead of taking it personally and feeling wounded and hurt, a child can learn to resist unkind words by having her own internal dialogue. The phrase might be something like "I've got slippery shoulders" and this means that the unkind words literally fall off.

All children need assertiveness skills: For some, these skills come naturally, but for others they have to be learned. Every child needs to know how to enter a group of other children by having a line to use like, "Hi - this looks like fun. Can I join in?" They also need to know how to exit a group they are not comfortable in, with a line like, "this isn't my idea of fun" or "I am keen to play something else right now". You can use role play to help your child feel comfortable with using new words and phrases because, at first, it can feel unnatural.

Your role modelling is important: Let your children see how you deal with conflict and tension so they get to see how it is done. There are times to stand up for ourselves and this can be done respectfully, so that we remain in control and dignified. We recommend that families take a little bit of time each day to "debrief" and ask two important questions around the dinner table. Parents share the best parts of their day and hardest or worst part, and the children tell theirs. This gives parents a window on what's going on inside their children.

Contact the school or early childhood centre: Visit your child's classroom or early childhood centre teacher and find out what the teacher has noticed. A lot of bullying takes place "under the radar" especially with girls. The teacher can address the issue broadly at first and then more specifically. If no progress is made, it is important to see the principal or early childhood centre manager. (Information for this article has been sourced from The Parenting Place.)

-For more information contact Liza and Lynette at SKIP Whanganui, phone or text 027 626 1404, email skipwhanganui@xtra.co.nz