Whilst the country is being distracted by the possibility of a capital gains tax, the unforgivable "mistake" that resulted in the illegal departure of an unruly British tourist, our appalling road toll, ever-rising numbers of infant deaths as a result of horrific physical abuse not to mention the recently published, shocking world stats on youth suicide and teen pregnancy in New Zealand, we are being threatened by a far greater and much darker force that has gained media attention.

Despite not being New Zealand pork, Mike King needs to step up and defend the honour of Peppa Pig.

This beloved, albeit, free-range, bacon-flavoured beauty has recently been soured by the accusations of many a crime.

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So, should this pre-school porker of a cartoon be given the chop? (Apple sauce optional.)

Before we give her a well-seasoned grilling ( I recommend a tarragon rub) let's explore the accusations.

She's white meat - could there be racial overtones, or does that just apply when a black figure is demonised?

Could it possibly be a group of lazy-arse parents who plonk their kids in front of a TV or DVD machine to babysit their precious progenies and are now complaining that their toddlers are speaking with a British accent as they mimic her (pig) English?

Hold up, guv, me old mate, is this the truth or nuffin' more than porkie pies?

Of course Peppa's accent is slightly posher, which, for some, could be seen as good thing. Free speech therapy is nothing to complain about.

And just how long must a pre-school kid be subjected to the (pork) belly of the beast to permanently affect their "mother tongue"?

This pig tale smells fishy to me.

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This atrociously sketched, anatomically incorrect, porker, with both eyes on one side of her snout, has been on our screens for years, so why the plethora of complaints about her now?

A sign of the times and the cynical world we now wallow in. Desperate to interpret and share any negative spin we can put on fairly benign and innocent things because we want to be seen as socially just.

Yep, poor old Peppa Pig is getting a roasting for negotiating and manipulating every situation, according to the wife of one celebrity parent.

What next? Accusations of subliminal messages, where this little piggy is secretly recruiting for ISIS?

Show me a TV show today that doesn't try to manipulate or influence us in some shape or form!

For heaven's sake, it's not as if Peppa is strutting her stuff, topless, in a thong, undergoing cosmetic surgery, getting herself knocked up, vaping or attending a Trump fundraiser.

I haven't heard of anything so ridiculous since the outrageous claims of a gay purple Teletubby infiltrating the ranks and deliberately embedding its message deep into the subconscious minds of our minors.

You know it is actually possible that not everything and everyone has some deep-seated and nefariously evil agenda.

It's a bloody kid's cartoon ... if you don't like it make use of the off switch, but please, enough of the conspiracy theories.

As I mentioned in the beginning, we have way more to worry about than the alleged crimes of a beloved piglet.

Unless you're after some tasty crackling, the roasting needs to stop.

I'm off to find Elvis.

Curly tales and feedback welcome: investik8@gmail.com