Sup peeps, Lime here, friends call me "Greeny" on account of my being so environmentally friendly.
Battery powered and with no emissions, I'm the "it child" of trendy transportation.
Clients take selfies with me and post videos. I'm making global headlines baby.
Haters and trolls call me a Lemon ... if you ask me, it's sour grapes.
Limes have always been the Louis Vuitton of citrus - the main squeeze.
What I love about my life is that no two days are ever the same. I get to encounter people from all walks of life, from all over the world and visit some crazy places.
Sure, I work long hours and there can be a lot of downtime but when I'm on a job, I never know what to expect.
Like last Thursday, for example, I'm just chilling with my mates when I see this potential client making a beeline for me.
Now I love me some curvy, chunky monkey but I do come with weight restrictions.
Either this BBW hasn't read her E-Contract or she's in serious denial!
She has thighs the size of two ginormous Christmas hams and a booty bigger than an Auckland traffic jam - in my head, I'm thinking "please, sweet Jesus, not me, anyone but me".
My prayers went unanswered.
If I had underpants on the sight would not be a pretty one.
I brace for impact, hoping my already dodgy suspension can handle the load.
Mentally I escape to my "happy place", grateful that we're not in Dunedin, attempting to scale Baldwin Street.
Where's some Oxycontin when you need it?
Mercifully we're on relatively flat ground but my delicate frame is feeling the strain.
She's riding me like there's no tomorrow, full throttle. It feels like I'm burning rubber.
Our time together is brief, just 2.27km. She dumps me, unceremoniously, against a park bench and it's there I remain until a juicer rescues me and whisks me away for re-charging.
Back on the streets me and a mate are doing a ride-along with two bolshy blokes from the U.K.
I overhear some chat about some roofing scam and figure they're probably the unruly British tourists I've been hearing about.
I dunno what came over me but I just snapped. I deliberately locked up my front wheel(not the first time) and sent the bugger flying over the handlebars ... oops, my bad.
Just doing my bit for the local economy.
Think of the bonus revenue I create from pricey A&E visits, costly ambulance callouts, GP consultations, relief and substitute workers, and the new employment opportunities at ACC to cope with the influx of claims generated by Lime Scooter accidents. That's all down to me, where's the gratitude?
And yet many of you have the audacity to call me a freaking Lemon!
What's wrong with you people?
Now some overpaid guber from the Council has the gall to question my contribution to society.
It's a bloody outrage #limecrime #zestpest #scooterbooter.
Hey, I'm just here, doing my job. Is it my fault if some bozo comes a cropper cos they're not paying attention, riding me like a maniac or are not compliant with the T&C's.
Accidents happen in cars every day... are they calling for them to be abolished from our streets?
You think you can get rid of me that easily ... I will never go back to China, I'll seek refugee status on the grounds of growing political hostility between our two countries.
Maybe I can resettle in Whanganui and start a business of my own.
I promise not to require housing that is so desperately needed by local residents.
And with that, I'll leave you to answer the following question - Just who is taking who for a ride? Lemon or Lime ... you decide.
Juicy feedback always welcome:firstname.lastname@example.org