Watching recent examples of amoral media capture by those enamoured of White Privilege and bigotry, it is easy to see that the trick to getting massive attention is to say something really outrageous that is both offensive, quite possibly untrue, based in absolutely no evidence.
If politicians and celebrities can do this, then so can lowly columnists.
The following should do the trick ...
Immigration is a hot topic, with a side order of "otherism" and extra right-wing white person-ism thrown in for good measure, so it is easy to see this column being granted a satirical permit to enter the country.
Read more: Terry Sarten: Free speech - get it now before it's all gone
Terry Sarten: Whiff of separatism leads to Knee Jerk Reaction in dominant culture
Terry Sarten: Are Turnbull and Dutton fit to enter Australia?
I propose — no, demand — New Zealand prevents anyone over 5ft 5ins (165cm) from entering the country.
This will immediately fix house prices as smaller people will buy smaller houses that are cheaper to build.
All those over the permitted height should pay an extra entry fee for their greater use of resources and to compensate for the larger carbon footprint and other demands their big feet place on the national economy.
All NZer's over the permitted tallness quota would be made to move to a reservation on remote offshore islands where they can be employed in pest eradication programmes.
This would kill two problems with one stone as their height would provide a natural advantage for this type of work and the rest of us could get on with the small matter of standing tall in our own space.
No, I hear people cry – that would be "height speech". But for those of us who are 5ft 5ins and under, this would be a triumph of common sense.
We could extend our privilege by having all buildings, doors, library and supermarket shelves adjusted to put things within easy reach.
Like White Privilege, we could then assume that being small was the norm and that everyone should fit into our world view. That view would be a bit lower than tall people but would be more grounded (certainly closer to the ground) thus validating our scorn for any other way of looking at the world.
Ha-ha, I hear you say — why 5ft 5ins? Why that specific height?
Simple — just like White Privilege works for those who take it for granted that is exactly how tall I am which means that rule will work fine for me.
Tall people have no right to decide the world should confirm to their measures. They are not a majority.
The world is full of short people and we need to take back our power. Already the size of seats on aeroplanes, public transport and cars is built for those of smaller stature.
We take up less space on a crowded planet. We use fewer resources. We don't need as much food. Our clothes need less cloth ... and more of us can fit in a lift. Perfect. We will be at the front of this movement all the way. Being at the front is the only way we can see because tall people always stand in the way of our progress and vision.
From my own perspective, becoming a musician was inevitable because the only way I was going to be able to see what was happening on stage ... was to be on the stage myself.
*Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician, satirist + feedback from people of all heights welcome: email@example.com