Why Scorpios shouldn’t play Santa and every family needs a Libran at the table.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 20)
Once upon a time the shepherds watched their flocks by night but now we all have Netflix, which the zodiacal ram pathologically loathes because he’s all about the big night out, baby.
TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20)
Some people spend their summer going with the flow. Taureans spend their summer at a luxury bach they booked 11 months ago. It has a La Cornue custom stove, high thread-count sheets and private beach access. Put this bull in a china shop and it will go straight for the Vera Wang Wedgwood. Taureans like money, shopping and sex - and they’re happiest when they can do all three from the at-home comfort of their brand new Mario Bellini Camaleonda reproduction sofa et al.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
No star sign is dreaming harder of a white Christmas. When the party girl of the zodiac says “let it snow”, she is definitely not imagining hot cocoas in Wisconsin. Geminis have a need for speed. They talk fast and act faster; they don’t settle for long and are at least three conversations ahead of everyone else. If you draw a Gemini in the work Secret Santa, buy them a box of Griffin’s Samplers. Nothing makes this mercurial soul happier than multiple options. (Also, they ate all their advent calendar lollies on November 30.)
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You know those Christmas movies where the Leo with the Great Hair and Bad Boyfriend goes home for the holidays and reconnects with the friend who never left that small town and kept a shoebox of high school mementos to remind the Leo that even though they had braces and acne and sucked at lacrosse, they still had people who loved them? Yeah. That friend is a Cancer. The astrological crab can run a bit hot and cold, but they’re also sentimental, loyal to a fault and they never throw anything away. (Just confirming, you will be regifted your own scented candle.)
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
One is simply never too old to take a favourite Christmas story and turn it into a suburban backyard musical. Pull up a mildewy beanbag for the whānau performance of a lifetime, scheduled to be performed after the trifle and before your sister bursts into perimenopausal tears (aided and abetted by the blood sugar implications of an entire box of After Eights). Leos are natural performers. They’ve adapted the script, written the songs and, naturally, they’ll play the lead. Die Hard is definitely a Christmas story. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!!!! (Sung to the tune of Silent Night.)
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Astrologically speaking, the Virgo is a virgin and, if you know your December doctrine, you’ll be familiar with the importance of that concept at Christmas. More broadly, the Virgos are known for their serenity, elegance and exacting attention to detail. They have a place for everything and everything is in its place, mostly because they’ve spent weeks organising the seating plan, hand-calligraphed place cards and matching Peter Alexander Grinch onesies. Forgot your onesie? Never mind, the Virgo absolutely purchased a spare.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 23)
Drawn to balance and harmony, Christmas can be a distressing time for the Libran soul. Help them harness their innate desire to keep the peace by serving nothing but champagne and strawberries for breakfast, allowing the children to eat all the candy canes they want for morning tea and delaying lunch until after 3pm. The Libran is a peacemaker and, with the right amount of pavlova and a strategic deployment of leaking air mattresses for visiting relatives, this sleep-deprived, sugar-fuelled family Christmas could be their nuclear moment.
SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 21)
You asked them to make Nana’s special Edmond’s custard powder trifle and they showed up with a black forest gateau. You told them cousin Bradley was allergic to nuts and they reckoned a couple of almonds scattered on top of the Christmas tiramisu would be just fine. Now the whole family is at A&E and you’ve seen enough Grey’s Anatomy holiday specials to know exactly why the Scorpio has gone to check out the supply closet. This star sign is darker, dirtier and naughtier than the rest. If a Scorpio offers to play the Office Santa, take our advice and say, “Ho-Ho-NO.”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The turkey is dry, Mum and Dad have always hated your boyfriends and the best-before date on those mince pies was December 24. Sagittarians are walking truth bombs. Send them out of the room when your 6-year-old starts pondering the veracity of Santa, but do bring them back for the Christmas crackers — their sense of humour and delight in the absurd is as unguarded as their tongue.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You promised the children a nativity scene crafted solely from gingerbread and the Cadbury Roses flavours nobody likes, but now it’s the night before Christmas and there’s a higher chance the kids might witness a virgin birth. Phone a Capricorn. Disciplined, persistent and extremely task-orientated, this is the star sign that will build a replica candy barn you could list on Airbnb. Is that an actual miniature stained-glass window installed in the cupola? Nope, just a turkish delight, sucked clean and sliced extremely thin.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarians are eccentric and idealistic. They’re a little bit kooky and extremely independent. They are known, astrologically, as the “water carriers” and are often depicted with a large clay jug, which, come to think of it, looks exactly like the ones ancient Greeks filled with wine. Aquarians are outspoken, free-thinking and probably drunk. Seat them beside Uncle Kevin from Canterbury. If anyone can engage meaningfully on the merits of Three Waters, it’s an Aquarian.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
December is hard for the most sensitive sign of the zodiac. Every radio station is tuned to seasonal misery. Mummy is kissing Santa, Elvis Presley is singing the Christmas Blues, The Pogues are maligning literally everyone and the delicate Piscean is just one mean cracker joke away from losing the plot and burning their gratitude journal. (Psst: What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? You are sooo last season!)