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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Fridays on listener.co.nz.
Donald Trump has left a scathing one-star review of Planet Earth on the popular travel website Tripadvisor. The trillionaire monarch, famous lover, legendary peacemaker, very stable genius and champion golfer, posted the scornful write-up after visiting Earth this week to give a speech at the United Nations.
In his hour-long address, Trump said his home world of Drumpf had returned to a golden age since he became its king again eight months ago and Drumpf was now blessed with the strongest economy, the strongest borders, the strongest military, the strongest friendships and the hottest women of any planet in the known universe.
This was not true of Earth, he told the UN’s general assembly. “People, many, many people believe me, are calling you guys ‘Planet Loser’. Sad. So sad. Like maybe the saddest thing ever. Your planet is going to hell.”
Despite the upbeat message that Trump knew better than everyone in the history of the universe, his speech received only muted applause from world leaders, a reaction he later described as “horrible” and “mean”.
After returning to his palace on Planet Drumpf, a clearly agitated Trump doubled down on his views on Earth with a vitriolic, late-night post on Tripadvisor headed “Worst Planet Ever!”
In the savage review, Trump complained Earth “definitely looks better on TV” and was not worth visiting. “Planet Earth is a total con job, believe me. The moaners and losers at the UN kept telling Trump that Earth is getting hotter, that it’s hotter than ever before. Totally fake news. It might have been an 8 or a 9 out of 10 back in the day. Maybe. Now it’s, like, 5 tops. Maybe even a 4. Planet Earth has totally let itself go.”
NZ economy drops dead in hospital ED
The New Zealand economy has been found dead in Wellington Hospital’s emergency department after apparently collapsing during a days-long wait to see a doctor.
The economy had been ailing for more than three years, suffering from a series of chronic, long-term conditions including low wages, low productivity, a high cost of living, growing unemployment, poor governance and a long-standing sense of ennui.
In recent months it had become even more unwell despite its new GP promising that its recovery was “just around the corner”. This view had proven optimistic.
After receiving news that as well suffering from depression, it was now shrinking, the economy is understood to have decided to go to Wellington Hospital for treatment because it could no longer afford to see its GP.
In a statement, the hospital confirmed the economy had expired in its emergency department before it could be seen by a doctor.
“CCTV footage shows that the New Zealand economy arrived at the Wellington Hospital emergency department at around midday last Thursday complaining that it was getting smaller and poorer. Due to huge demand and chronic understaffing in the department, the economy was asked to wait in a corridor until it could be seen. At the time, the ED’s under-pressure staff believed the sudden shrinking of the economy was not life-threatening.
“Unfortunately, no doctor was available for six days,” the hospital’s statement said. “When the economy was finally approached for treatment yesterday it was found not to be sleeping off a hangover, as it had been since 2023, but had in fact died.”
The hospital and police have confirmed the economy’s sudden demise had now been referred to the coroner.
In a statement, the late economy’s current GP said it wasn’t her fault. “This situation would have been a heck of a lot worse if the economy was still going to its old GP.”
Fears grow Jacinda Ardern and Duchess of Sussex are “morphing into single, universe-ending entity”
Online conspiracy theorists say they believe former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, could soon cause a world-ending “Mercenary Cash-in Singularity” or MCS.
Leading boffins have long posited that such a singularity, similar to a reverse Big Bang, was hypothetically possible and could destroy time and space. But an MCS would only happen if never-before-seen levels of cloying niceness, lovely hair, C-list celebrity and lucrative commercial opportunities combined in a single person -- a situation previously thought impossible.
However, online conspiracy theorists believe an MCS is now imminent due to Ardern and Meghan appearing to morph into a single entity. “Like connect the dots, dude,” wrote Redpilled481 on a Reddit thread. “Meghan has her own documentary series; Jacinda has her own documentary. Meghan has her own children’s book; Jacinda has her own children’s book. Meghan is all about niceness; Jacinda is all about niceness. Meghan has lovely hair; Jacinda has lovely hair. Jacinda has been a DJ; now Meghan is going to be a DJ.
“It’s only a matter of time before Jacinda divorces her drippy first husband and marries a prince, just like Meghan. It’s like Jacinda and Meghan are now the same person.”
Redpilled603 agreed. “Totally dude,” he wrote. “And if Meghan and Jacinda do become a single entity then the levels of niceness, lovely hair, C-list celebrity and lucrative commercial opportunities mean an MCS is, like, only a matter of time.”
One leading physicist said it was possible that Ardern and the Duchess were a threat to the universe but was unsure if an MCS was imminent. “I’ll be doing my own research on that.”
Both Ardern and Meghan refused to be interviewed in the same room but said in a combined statement, “we are not the same person, but we are as one when it comes to our new cryptocurrency, which we’re launching soon.”
Trump warns common painkiller causes verbal diarrhoea
