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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
US President Donald Trump’s invasion of the United States of America has been called “inspiring” by Russian President Vladimir Putin. Trump this week used US Marines and the National Guard to begin occupying a small part of the city of Los Angeles. He is expected to use the US military to conquer the rest of LA and California by the end of June and the remaining 49 states in the coming months as he works toward full membership of the prestigious International Despots Country Club and Golf Course.
Putin had previously described Trump privately as “dumber than an empty bottle of vodka” and as “thick as a loaf of black bread”. However Putin said Trump’s idea to invade his own country was a “brilliant” strategic move by the president.
“Here I have been murdering, poisoning and disappearing my opponents one by one for a quarter of a century,” the Russian president told reporters. “What I should have done is what Trump looks like he’s going to do. I should have just invaded Russia years ago and slaughtered my enemies all in one go with a civil war.”
Putin said if he had his time over again he wouldn’t have tried to seize the Ukraine. “It’s such a genius move by Donald, and very inspiring. It looks like he really does have a big, beautiful brain after all.” Putin said if Trump wanted a hand invading the remainder of the United States, he was happy to send Russian troops to help. “Anything for a friend.”
Critics says Trump’s planned conquest of the United States means he is now fighting a war on two fronts – a strategic no-no – with the president attempting to invade his own country while at the same time fighting off an invasion of the country by what he calls “criminal illegal aliens”. It is believed the US president may have to nuke the United States to win both fights. “That could prove an own goal,” said a retired US general.
Trump has denied that his invasion of the United States is an attempt to divert attention from a string of bad news for his regime including the failure of his marriage to the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, and the lack of success for Trump’s tariff plan, a foul-up which has led to the coining of the acronym TACO, or “Trump always chickens out”.
Trump told reporters than his invasion of the United States by its own military would definitely make America great again. “Many, many people are saying, so many people, that Trump’s gonna win and win big. And not just the war with America. But a Nobel Peace Prize like Obama.”
Luxon claims scientists back Govt’s ‘pray methane away’ plan
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon says his government now intends to use “faith-based science” to meet New Zealand’s climate change obligations under the Paris Agreement. The cutting-edge scheme will allow farmers to use prayer and other “heartfelt appeals to the Lord above” to remove methane from the atmosphere.
Luxon said the radical plan would remove “up to 100%” of methane from New Zealand’s airspace as soon as farmers began praying. “We’re calling the scheme ‘pray methane away’,” Luxon said. “We believe this prayer-based technology is a world first, and something the country can export to the world.”
Asked if the Prime Minister, a devout Christian, would be joining farmers to pray methane away, Luxon said “only the devil could keep me away”.
Federated Farmers said there was faith-based proof that prayer would be far more effective in reducing greenhouse gases than making farmers pay for producing huge amounts of methane, or by forcing farmers to reduce stock numbers. “It’s a win for farmers and a win for the Lord,” said a spokesperson.
The “pray methane away” plan was expected to draw strong criticism from “worthies” such as legitimate climate-change scientists. However Luxon said only a small number of “faith-based science deniers” had protested the scheme. “Most scientists I have talked to accept that praying for methane to go away is the most effective way for the National Party to hold on to its rural support.”
Muldoon’s ghost barred from Parliament’s new pub
The ghost of former Prime Minister Sir Robert Muldoon was thrown out of Parliament’s new pub, The Pint of Order, last night. It is understood police were called after Muldoon’s ghost threw a punch at the ghost of another former prime minister, David Lange.
The manager of The Pint of Order said Muldoon had been ordering a pint while joking to the bartender that calling the new pub The Pint of Order was “witty because it was a really clever pun on the parliamentary phrase ‘point of order, Mr Speaker’”. However Lange’s ghost, who was sitting at a nearby table with another former prime minister, Michael Joseph Savage, was heard to loudly disagree with Muldoon before the fracas broke out.
“Lange said something like, ‘Shut up, you old soak, Pint of Order is the lamest pun I’ve ever heard, even worse than the ones in that crappy Another Kind of Politics column.’ Muldoon then approached Lange and threw a punch but missed.”
Muldoon’s ghost was now permanently barred from the Pint of Order, the manager said. “It’s a shame really, because he was our best customer. Mind you, we won’t miss him regularly trying to call snap elections after a few too many.”
Political quiz of the week
What famous New Zealand biscuit are Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Finance Minister and Feminist of the Year Nicola Willis posing with post-Budget?
A. Hundreds and Thousands for Corporate Welfare
B. No Scramble Lolly Cake
C. Ginger Debt Crunch
D. Shallowpuffs
