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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
The Dalai Lama, Jesus of Nazareth and the ghost of Mahatma Gandhi say they will take former prime minister Jacinda Ardern to court for “nicking our stuff”. The Tibetan spiritual leader, Christian deity and Indian peace guru are launching a class action for copyright infringement after the publication of Ardern’s new memoir, The Gospel According To St Jacinda.
In the memoir about her life and time in office, Ardern says the world needs more empathy, bangs on about her feelings and claims to have performed “miracles”, including turning calamities into gold and walking on water at work most days.
“Basically, she’s nicked our stuff about peace and love,” the Dalai Lama said in a statement. “The stress of being pirated means I haven’t been able to meditate properly for days.”
“It isn’t just the so-called miracles, it’s her empathy schtick,” Jesus of Nazareth said. “I first told people to ‘love thy bloody neighbour’ 2000 years ago, but Ardern is flogging the idea like she thought of it. It’s not good enough. I was talking to God and He’s not impressed either. He says that thanks to her memoir, Ardern is now more omnipresent than He is.”
Gandhi said he has been “in a rage” all week about the memoir. “Not to be big headed about it, but instead of dedicating her book to the ‘the criers, worriers, and huggers’, Ardern should have dedicated it to me and my mates.”
It is thought that the ghosts of John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa are also considering joining the class action. Ardern issued a statement saying she was “shocked” by the lawsuit. “As I have said so many times before,” the statement quoted Ardern as saying, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
Chris Bishop wins Music Reviewer of the Year
National Party minister Chris Bishop is the winner of this year’s Golden Nitpicker Award as Another Kind of Politics’ Music Reviewer of the Year. The prestigious honour, bestowed only by this column, follows his exceptional work in the field of music criticism at this year’s Aotearoa Music Awards.
Bishop loudly called Stan Walker’s performance of his song Māori ki te Ao during the AMA ceremony “a load of crap” and claimed the singer was receiving “performative acclaim”.
Musician and former Mutton Bird Don McGlashan confronted Bishop about his brave review, telling him to “shut up, you dickhead”. However the judges at Another Kind of Politics called Bishop’s criticism at the AMA “bold, courageous, honest and inspiring” and awarded him the inaugural Golden Nitpicker Award. To celebrate his win, we asked Bishop to give us his take on five classic rock and pop albums. Take it away, Chris!
* On The Beatles’ Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band: “Call me a dickhead, but this is so bad Sgt Pepper deserves to be lonely. I preferred the band’s early stuff. This is just performative weirdness and a load of crap. ELO are so much better.”
* On Nirvana’s Nevermind: “Call me a dickhead, but ‘never mind’ sums it up. Smells more like performative angst than teen spirit. Definitely not musical nirvana that’s for sure, more like a load of crap. Dire Straits are so much better.”
* On Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon: “Call me a dickhead, but this should have stayed on the dark side of the moon. Basically its performative guitar noodling. As a Tory, I liked Money, but the rest of it is a load of crap. Supertramp are so much better.”
* On Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: “Call me a dickhead, but if I was able to say goodbye to Candle in the Wind, I would be one happy music critic. Worst. Song. Ever. It’s completely performative grief as well coz Elton never even met Marilyn. The rest of the record is a load of MOR crap. The Eagles are so much better.”
* On Jimi Hendrix’s Are You Experienced: “Call me a dickhead, but I don’t think he’s got much experience in writing a decent song. What he does have is a talent for endless, tedious soloing followed up with a performative setting-on-fire of his guitar. A load of crap. REO Speedwagon are so much better.”
Deepfake of ‘Luxon’ shocks Parliament
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has stunned colleagues by showing a “deepfake” AI image of himself as a “respected” politician. During a general debate in the House yesterday, Luxon held up the flawlessly generated computer picture (see above) of him sitting with US President Franklin D Roosevelt and USSR General Secretary Joseph Stalin at the Yalta Conference in 1945. It is understood that Luxon never attended the Yalta Conference. It was in fact British PM Winston Churchill who met Roosevelt and Stalin.
Luxon told the House that the picture had been sent to National Party members and donors who had then shared it with him. “This image of me is an image of me as a respected politician, so it’s clearly not real,” Luxon told the House while holding the shocking photo aloft for all members to see. “I did not and do not consent to being presented in such a way.”
Luxon said persons unknown were threatening to generate and distribute further AI images of Luxon, including him in Leonardo da Vinci’s The Last Supper. Luxon said he believed the realistic images of him in unrealistic situations were part of a plot to get the government to support Act MP Laura McClure’s Deepfake Digital Harm and Exploitation Bill.
“But on the whole I’m completely relaxed about it,” he told the House. “Everyone here knows I’m nothing like Churchill or Jesus.”
Political quiz of the week
Why is Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour having his hair shampooed and conditioned in front of a bunch of reporters?
A/ He’s a shameless ham.
B/ He’s sticking it to Luxon.
C/ He’s showing that he’s even more “relaxed” about stuff than the PM.
D/ Now he’s finally Deputy PM, he’s stopped caring what people think.
