Online exclusive
Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly column that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings. If you enjoy a “serious laugh” - and complaining about politics and politicians - you’ll enjoy reading Greg’s latest grievances.
Wonderful news, New Zealand. The Prime Minister, the out-of-touch multimillionaire Christopher Luxon, had a great chat with the soon-to-be-leader of the Free World*, the demagogue billionaire** who is very much in touch with the average US voter, Donald J Trump.
Luxon boasted to New Zealand media this week of a 5- 10-minute phone call with Trump, who was “very positive, very warm”. The PM reported that the hugely-popular convicted felon and serial liar has, er, “a lot of attachment” to New Zealand.
Did Trump and Luxon talk tariffs? Apparently not. Despite Trump promising on the campaign trail to slap duties on all foreign imports, something that could seriously harm our $8 billion-plus trade with the US, our PM says he didn’t broach the subject. Perhaps he forgot.
The call, Luxon said, was “really just a relational chance to say hello”, which translated from the Luxon-ese means they got to know each other a bit.
But that wasn’t all they did. Here, in a Listener exclusive, is the complete transcript of Trump and Luxon’s first phone call which was passed*** to Another Kind of Politics by a concerned Trump insider:
Trump minion: Mr President For Life, we have the Prime Minister of New Zealand on the line.
Trump: Who is he?
Trump minion: Mr Christopher Luxon.
Trump: Never heard of the guy.
Trump minion: He was once Global Deodorants and Grooming Category Director for Unilever. Before entering politics, he piloted Air New Zealand, which sounds more impressive than it is. He’s been the leader of New Zealand for only a year but is currently polling at only 25% as preferred prime minister. Another recent survey found 51% of New Zealanders believe he’s out of touch with ordinary voters. Big fan of Barack Obama, too.
Trump: Sounds like a total loser. Not like Trump. Trump’s a winner. Trump will be making America great again. America is gonna start winning. Winning like never before. What’s the guy’s name again?
Trump minion: Prime Minister Christopher Luxon.
Trump: Hello Prime Minister Luncheon, are you there?
Luxon: Hello Mr President Elect, congratulations on winning the presidency for a second time! All of New Zealand was stunned, literally stunned, by your historic victory.
Trump: Thank you, Mr Luncheon. Never been anything like this in the history of the world. Trump is so popular. So, so popular. I hear you’re not so popular. So sad. People, many, many people, are saying Newfoundland hates you. So unpopular. Not like Trump. Blacks love me. Hispanics love me. Women love me. Everyone loves me. Nobody’s done that before. Really something very special. Putin says I’m a genius so I’m giving him the Ukraine as a thank you.
Luxon: Mr President Elect, on behalf of the people of New Zealand, particularly our wine, dairy and beef exporters, I would like to renew our two countries’ strong and enduring partnership by symbolically applying my lips to your ass. Which cheek would you like me to start with, sir?
Trump: Barack Hussein Obama. The Kenyan. The founder of ISIS. So bad. People say you love Obama. Love him. Unbelievable. So bad. So unfair.
Luxon: Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.
Trump: Other people, many, many other people, are saying, that you used to be, like, a pilot, but wound up grooming malodorant cats for a living. Sad, so sad. Maybe I should be callin’ ya Little Losin’ Luncheon.
Luxon: No sir, I used to be Deodorants and Grooming Category Director at Unilever. I was CEO at Air New Zealand not a pilot. I’ll start with the right cheek, if that’s okay with you.
Trump: It doesn’t matter to me what kinda cats you groomed. So long as they weren’t Demo-cats. Trump is funny. So, so funny. That’s why everybody loves Trump. So funny. By the way, I wanna tell ya I have a lot of attachment to Newfoundland. So beautiful.
Luxon: [Indecipherable].
Trump: Sounds like you’re pretty attached to Trump by the way.
Luxon: And now for the left cheek. [Indecipherable].
Trump: It’s Luncheon, right? When you’re finished with my ass, I’m gonna want two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fishes and a large diet coke.
Trump minion: Mr President For Life, we have the President of Latvia on the line.
Trump: And I want fries. So many fries.
Luxon: [Indecipherable].
Click.
*This may not be true for much longer.
** This may also not be true.
*** This is definitely not true because the transcript is satire.
Coz You’re All Yellow
Who do you reckon is gonna get the bigger walk-up crowd this week? Coldplay or Act Leader David Seymour?
The answer, at this stage, is anyone’s guess. One’s been attracting huge mobs of kids and old people holding up stupid signs and singing along to songs that don’t make a lot of sense to most sensible New Zealanders. The other’s attracted a hīkoi against his unprincipled Treaty Principles Bill.
Header: Political quiz of the week
What popular children’s book could this be an illustration for?
A/ Willy Wonka and the Fast-Track Approvals Factory.
B/ Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mostly Dead Frogs.
C/ King Midas and His Regional Slush Fund.
D/ Shouty Shane and the Fool’s Gold.
