In his first State of the Nation speech as Prime Minister this week, Christopher Luxon told party faithful he wanted “to be straight” with Kiwis. In an earlier draft of that speech, he was even straighter. Another Kind of Politics was leaked a copy of that draft*.
Kia ora, good morning, g’day, listen sunshine, and chur bro.
Thank you for coming to my first State of the Nation speech as Prime Minister.
Thank you, too, for coming to a speech where I won’t just bang on about the same old stuff I’ve been saying for the past three months, but I’ll be banging on about the same stuff I’ve been carrying on about for the past year.
The fact that I will repeat myself shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you. Despite talking a good game, it should be becoming increasingly clear to you all that my government seems to be treading water on how we’re actually going to get New Zealand Back On Track.
That aside, though, I’d like to say thank you to all the Kiwis who put their trust in us and gave us their vote. As long as you don’t expect stronger environmental protections, better and fairer wages, improved public transport, higher taxes for the wealthy or a government that will stick it to Big Tobacco, my team has your back.
Here’s another thing: it’s only been three months, but I’m already learning that one of the best parts of being Prime Minister is getting around the country meeting people and hearing their stories.
People like the ones I met earlier this month at Waitangi who seem to think that including Act’s Treaty Principles Bill in my government’s legislative agenda is pointlessly divisive and anti-Māori.
People like those ones with the weirdo dye jobs I met at the Big Gay Out who were so incensed by my agreeing to New Zealand First’s demand to remove what my deputy prime minister calls “gender ideology” from education that I had to beat a hasty retreat under police protection.
New Zealand is the best country on Planet Earth. It’s better than places with higher wages and better healthcare, like Australia. It’s better than places that are cleaner and greener and more productive, like Denmark. It’s even better than all those countries that got a Taylor Swift show.
Yes, New Zealand is the best place to be in the galaxy, and it’s not because of our beaches or our mountains. It’s certainly not because of my deputy prime minister, but don’t tell him that, ha-ha-ha. It’s because of you. Because of us. Our people, or least the ones who get up two hours before they go to sleep, who work 149 hours a day, 56 days a week, 1457 days a year to put food on the table and make this place the greatest little country in the universe.
What’s more we’re a nation that’s done a lot of famous stuff. One of us climbed Everest, with a bit of help from the Poms, of course. One of us split the atom, also with a bit of help from the Poms. Some of us even charted waka across the Pacific to come here, though, on that occasion, with a bit of help from the stars rather than the Poms. And now we’re blasting off to see the stars, like Taylor Swift — I have seen her several times myself — in Sydney and Melbourne.
Yes, we’re all grown up, now. We’ve got our big-boy pants on. Which means we’re also big enough to face reality when we need to, especially when facing that reality isn’t going to directly affect any of us here in this hall today.
Not everyone will like this, but I think Kiwis need a prime minister who levels with them and is straight up about the state of the nation and where we’re at. And let me tell you, my fellow New Zealanders, the state of the nation is pretty stink.
We’ve got rampant inflation, high interest rates, an economy going nowhere fast. And in the past couple of weeks literally thousands of Kiwis have flown to Australia. Mostly to see Taylor Swift, but that’s beside the point.
The reality is, we’re in big, big trouble, so we’re going to have to make some tough choices. And the first of those tough choices is to decide who we are going to blame first for finding ourselves with tough choices.
Should it be, say, uncompetitive supermarket chains making massive profits, giant multinationals paying bugger-all tax, rapacious Australian-owned banks making excessive profits, or greedy locals protecting their wealth and avoiding tax through trusts and property investments? Or it should be those trying to live on as little as $274.37 a week on a Jobseeker’s benefit?
The answer is obvious, my friends. So let me say to those people on the Jobseeker’s, your free ride on the taxpayer cash cow is over. I am calling this the “tough luck” approach, and I will not apologise for it.
All Kiwis have a right to support when times are tough. But with that right also comes responsibility, especially if you can’t afford lobbyists in Wellington. And it’s your responsibility to look for work even as the job market tightens because of record net migration in 2023, and as the unemployment rate rises again partly because the Reserve Bank is keeping interest rates high in the hope this will help ease inflationary pressures.
To you bludgers I say this – and make no mistake, my party of no new ideas says this every time we’re in government – you need to get a haircut and get a job.
And you need to do it pretty damn quick. How else will we be able to fund the tax cuts we promised the rest of New Zealand?
Thank you.
*This may not be true.
