Raised on fairy tales in which marriage was the ultimate happy ending, Clementine Ford’s book I Don’t: The Case Against Marriage offers a compelling counter-narrative for young girls who grew up in the 90s. The feminist writer boldly argues that the romanticised notion of marriage, sold to women by patriarchal systems, is designed to keep us subservient to men.
There’s no doubt that, historically, marriage has oppressed and dehumanised women, enslaving us sexually, reproductively, financially and domestically. But in the modern day, is there anything inherently wrong with wanting to fall in love and is it necessary for feminist progress to shun the concept of marriage altogether?
In I Don’t, Ford details how financially independent and happily single women are a threat to the patriarchal order because men rely on women for the long-term survival of our species, not the other way around. It’s no wonder then, that society loves to stigmatise single women, painting them as spinsters or crazy cat ladies unworthy of love and tricking us into believing that marriage is vital for fulfilment and happiness.
You won’t find all the answers in I Don’t - it doesn’t seek to find the good in marriage or explore how it can be improved. However, the text is a catalyst for self-reflection because, after all, it’s crucial not to equate our self-worth with being chosen by a man or staying in a toxic relationship.
Ford would label me naive to believe that marriage can exist without being detrimental to a woman’s agency, ambitions and freedom. However, in Western societies, modern-day women enjoy more opportunities than the generations before us. We increasingly prioritise personal growth, career advancement and financial independence over hastily walking down the aisle even if we are in part forgoing lavish nuptials because of rising living costs. And refusing to tie the knot does not preclude us from entering into de facto relationships, in which we are afforded all the legal privileges of marriage and are free to become parents or co-own homes with our other halves.
Yet Ford highlights that single women live longer, report higher levels of happiness and have greater economic opportunities than those who are married. In contrast, married men live longer and are happier than their bachelor counterparts. This trend was evident during the Covid-19 pandemic, when an increasing number of women decided to end their marriages after realising that they were not getting enough from their spouses and that marriage was no longer worth the sacrifices required of them.
But there is research going the other way. One study has shown that marriage can benefit women’s health when, spoiler alert, their marital satisfaction is high. And another has found that married women report greater happiness than their unmarried cohabiting counterparts.
I do agree with Ford on one point: the physical and social cost of motherhood is detrimental to feminist progress so long as the patriarchal state does not recognise maternal labour as vital to its economic and social success, thereby denying mothers opportunities to thrive. However, this problem isn’t exclusive to marriage and singledom isn’t necessarily the solution.
I Don’t hasn’t entirely dissuaded me from marriage, but it has ignited important conversations about the damaging effects of patriarchal structures on women, particularly those in unequal relationships. Ditching the diamond ring and something borrowed, something blue won’t instantly liberate us, but one thing’s for sure - men need women far more than we need them for the survival of humankind. Now that’s a powerful thought worth pondering.
