It’s no surprise that the Netflix show Adolescence has exploded in popularity — and that it has amplified fears about boys even more so, says a US academic who teaches in men’s studies at Towson University in Maryland.
Andrew Reiner, author of 2020′s Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resilience, visited New Zealand last year and spoke at six boys’ schools. (You can read about his visit and what he found here.) He says many people are talking about the disturbing elements of Adolescence but might be missing the bigger picture of what it says about boys’ wellbeing.
“What few people are discussing, and should, is the underlying premise and conceit of this show, which perpetuates the stereotype that all boys (and men) are predatory and violent. And this: that all boys drawn to the manosphere become unapologetically violent,” says Reiner. “Research shows that neither is true. As one Australian academic who studies extremism recently told me during research for my new book, ‘[These boys on the manosphere] are far more likely to hurt themselves than someone else.’
Adolescence, a four-episode series about a cherubic-looking 13-year-old boy accused of murder, has clocked up 66.3 million views. Netflix says this makes it the most watched limited series and the first show on a streaming platform to top the UK weekly TV audience viewing charts. Jamie Miller, the young boy accused of stabbing to death a classmate, did so ostensibly influenced by misogynist content from the online manosphere.
Reiner says he’s not insinuating that the manosphere doesn’t deserve scrutiny. “Not for one second. But I am insinuating that, increasingly, we are thinking about and portraying boys with vengeful, unfounded stereotypes that do far more damage than good. They push boys further and further into the dark alleyways of cyberspace where we keep insisting we don’t want them.”
In his 2024 article Why your son might be struggling to stay afloat — and how you can fix it, Reiner shared advice on how to help boys better develop resiliency and zero in on the one thing many need but lack — feelings of connection, of being in relationship, not just in a relationship.
Given the discussion around Adolescence, Reiner agreed to reprise those tips and hints here.
Create a safety net
Too many boys (and men) lack what I call an “emotional safety net”. They don’t seek out the unconditional emotional support of close friends when they are struggling emotionally, because they don’t believe they have permission.
One way we can help boys feel they have a safety net is simply by reminding them, “I’m here if and when you want to talk,” when they are clearly upset. Modelling help-seeking for boys is also important. Just knowing they have permission to approach us with anything upsetting them is a gift many boys don’t have.
Keep the door open
If your son or any boy comes to you and wants to talk, try hard to have that conversation then and there. If that isn’t possible, let him know when you can have the conversation he wants to have – and keep your word.
The head of a boys’ school told me how he wishes his sons, in their 20s, would seek him out for conversations the way they do their mother. “They used to ask me to talk at 11 o’clock at night, when I was exhausted,” he told me. “I told them we’d talk the next day at some point.” That never happened. “Their feelings were hurt. For them, that door with me closed. It’s the one thing I regret as a parent.”
Try to remember: For many boys and men, crossing a room to have an emotionally honest conversation requires a lot of courage. Because so many males fear appearing vulnerable, that three-second-long walk can feel like 30 miles.
Don’t minimise or judge
Think about a time someone told you to “calm down” or “stop getting so worked up”. It probably enraged you even more, right? Boys feel the same way. Considering how wary many males are of showing their deeper feelings, sending them such critical messages feels shaming to them. And it reinforces the message that guys aren’t supposed to be emotional beings and thickens the wall to the emotions and feelings we want to encourage.
Instead, if your son or a boy exposes “big feelings” in front of you, try leading with a little empathy. For example, say, “I can see that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Or this: “I know I would be angry or frustrated if that happened to me. I don’t blame you for feeling that way.” The important thing is normalising their emotions, giving them permission to have them, so they learn to take down the wall, one brick at a time, deep within.
As with feelings, many older boys want their thoughts and opinions to be taken seriously – they want to know that they, too, have something important to contribute. That said, the quickest way to shut down a boy or young man is to invalidate his opinions. Like them or not, they are central to many adolescent boys’ identities.
Even if your son or student says something cringey, that’s okay. We don’t have to agree with or like everything that comes out of his mouth. Remember, brains and world views change with time. What is far more productive is practising neutralising curiosity. “Huh, that’s an interesting insight [or opinion]. Why do you feel this way about it?”
Consume together
Many adolescent boys want to learn and experiment with their burgeoning sense of independence, which includes developing their own cultural tastes. And they want to be validated by people they care about and respect. The more we reject (think: criticise) their beloved pop culture forms or icons, the more they feel alienated from us.
Show some interest in the pop culture that your son enjoys and that is important to him. As painful as it might be, spend some time with him listening to his music or watching his favourite streaming shows. Once again, lead with curiosity: “What do you love about this song [or TV show]?” “How does it make you feel when you watch/listen to this?”
Little things matter when creating connection
After my workshops with boys in New Zealand, a surprising number of them approached me, shook my hand and thanked me for starting this conversation. At one school, five Year 7 boys told me afterwards how much they appreciated “talking about our deeper feelings” and asked for my autograph. (You better believe I photographed this moment.)
It’s important to remember that if we create a “safe” space and give boys “permission” to mine their deeper struggles, they will talk. Reconnecting with boys is the biggest step, and gift, we can offer and give towards helping them learn greater resiliency.
Boys and young men do want connection. More often than not, though, we have to be the ones re-braiding those ties, over, and yes, over again.
