An extraordinary meeting of the Lush Places Management Committee has been called for next week. It will be held in the apple tree paddock so that the full committee, including the sheep, the evil chickens and Sqweaky the cat, are able to attend and discuss the single item on the agenda: should we change the name of Lush Places?
As the current chair of the committee, I have called this extraordinary meeting because it’s become quite clear to me since taking over the seat again in January (Michele and I share the committee chair, though it’s year about) that a name change is called for.
I will be arguing that while Lush Places remains lush most of the year – though definitely not at the moment – and that Lush Places self-evidently remains a place, its lushness and its placeness are now not the most material facts about our shared home.
It is the opinion of the chair that since Michele started collecting members of the feline species like other people collect, say, Rembrandts or salt pigs, Lush Places has become more of a cat place.
A report will be presented to the committee in which I will lay out how, after no consultation with the rest of us living at Lush Places, Michele has taken to keeping more cats. Three of them now live in the second-and third-best bedrooms, effectively annexing half the house. They also cost a fortune in vet bills, Chef and “Gravy-licious” treats.
In light of this unlooked-for and unexpected invasion, it is the chair’s view that to avoid any suggestion it is trading under false pretences, the name of the place should be changed to “The Cattery”.
The meeting will also allow members of the committee to air grievances related to the arrival of the new cats, as well as to critique the amount of time Michele devotes to them.
The chair will produce several witnesses to talk to that point. What is expected to be harrowing testimony will come from the prime witness, 13-year-old Sqweaky, the ex-Aucklander and Lush Places’ original cat, about how she is no longer able to sleep on the first-best, second-best or third-best beds because of what she calls the “interlopers”.
Sqweaky will also relate her shock at seeing other cats in the house despite Michele’s attempts to hide this fact from her. On some occasions she had been forced to interrupt important sleeping to growl at an interloper.
She will also reveal that at times her food goes missing from the cupboard and that she suspects Michele is sneakily stealing it and giving it to the interlopers.
It is understood Michele intends to cross-examine the prime witness on whether I have been sneakily stealing the interlopers’ food and giving it to Sqweaky.
Evidence will also be sought from the three remaining hens of the apocalypse, who have previously complained about the number of new cats and accused them of eating sunflower seeds intended for feathered committee members only.
It is expected that Xanthe the sheep will address concerns that the cats come into their paddock and stare at them, though knowing Xanthe, she’ll probably just wander off before the chair gets to her. She’s easily bored.
Finally, Michele will make a statement to the committee in which she will explain that the arrival of the cats wasn’t her idea, they turned up looking lost and lonely and hungry and that it was the right thing to do to domesticate them, get them fixed at the vets and give them a warm, dry home and good food.
It is expected to be an emotional meeting and once the testimony and reports have been considered, there will be a vote on the name change. If the motion succeeds, a sign reading “The Cattery (formerly Lush Places)” will be ordered and an era will come to end.
