April marks 10 years since the passing of the Marriage Amendment Bill, allowing every New Zealander to marry regardless of their sex, sexual orientation or gender identity. To mark the anniversary, Carly Gibbs asks three rainbow couples how a marriage licence did or didn’t change their lives, experts weigh in on evolving societal views and Ōtumoetai College’s first openly queer head boy shares his hopes for the future.
Nicole Jenner, Jenagh Jenner
Nicole proposed to Jenagh in the middle of their housewarming party.
She’d sought permission from Jenagh’s sister, and the big moment came in an unplanned location - the toilet.
Afterwards, cheeks flushed from giddiness and alcohol, they sprung from the bathroom to tell their guests and soak up the hugs and cheers, before everyone danced together.
“It was pretty cool, eh?” Nicole, 37, says to Jenagh, 33, who is sitting in an armchair in their Ohauiti lounge, cradling their youngest son, five-and-a-half-month-old Jesse, who is ready for his midday nap.
Around them are toys and books and the general homely feel of a household with young children.
“To be able to say we’re married is big.”
Their wedding day was a significant milestone in their lives and was made possible when the Marriage Amendment Bill, sponsored by Labour MP Louisa Wall, passed on April 17, 2013, with a historic vote on the third reading of 77 votes to 44. It became law on August 19.
It was the biggest change to rainbow rights since the Homosexual Law Reform Act in 1986.
It followed sexual orientation in the Human Rights Act in 1993, the Civil Union Act in 2005, and then marriage equality in 2013, which meant that any two people regardless of their sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity could be married – including trans, non-binary and intersex people.
Then, in 2022, conversion practices were made illegal.
From 2013 and 2021, there were 3921 marriages and civil unions in New Zealand between same-sex couples, as recorded by Stats NZ. Of the couples, 3012 were female and 1392 were male.
Of those ceremonies held in New Zealand, 261 were civil unions, and 3663 were marriages. Overseas, there were 2757 marriages and civil unions between Kiwis.
The number of civil unions has dropped since the law change in 2013, with more civil unions now being celebrated by opposite-sex couples than same-sex couples.
In that same period, 615 divorces were granted after two years of separation.
Nicole and Jenagh each carried a son, both birthed from the same sperm donor. On both of their sons’ birth certificates, they are listed as “mother” and “mother”.
They have been married for five years after meeting nine years ago at a Zumba exercise class that Nicole was instructing.
They were friends first and both had boyfriends, and then they became girlfriends.
“I met Jenagh and I thought, ‘She’s my person’,” Nicole says.
Jenagh: “I have never had a preference for guys or girls, but I’d never been in a lesbian relationship.”
They married on January 28, 2018 - the hottest day of the year - at Tauranga’s Te Puna Quarry Park.
At the age of two, their eldest son Bodhi confidently tells people he has “two mummies”.
Most people in the community are supportive, but Nicole is still wary of whom she shares her relationship status with.
“I have to get a feel for who they are before - ‘Okay, I’m not going to get judged’.
“People assume that because I’ve got children, I’m with a male.”
Jenagh is the opposite.
“I’m outspoken about who I am as a person, and if that makes people uncomfortable, then that’s on them.
“I remember chatting to a lady ... and she had a grandchild at college. She said, ‘Ugh, these kids are getting all these letters they can choose - LGB, blimmin’ ABC. It’s too many options’.
“I tried to explain to her: ‘These options are who these people are. It’s just that we’re learning to allow people to be who they are and not condemn them.’”
A celebration
Taine Polkinghorne, a senior human rights adviser at Te Kāhui Tika Tangata Human Rights Commission, says the anniversary is celebrated by the commission and change in public attitudes takes time.
“For some older members of our communities, the stigma and shame they experienced over these decades linger like tendrils of smoke.
“In the history of Aotearoa, we must not forget that homophobia and transphobia are largely a result of European colonisation in the 19th century. As takatāpui [intimate companion of the same sex] scholars have shown us, te ao Māori saw takatāpui as an integral part of the community.”
Polkinghorne says while rights relating to sexual orientation have rapidly gained social acceptance, the pace of change for trans, non-binary and intersex people has been much slower.
“The whakatauki [proverb] ‘ka mua, ka muri’ [walking backwards into the future] reminds us to look back at who led the movement in Aotearoa 50 years ago – the trans women and whakawāhine in particular – as we walk forwards into the future.
“We acknowledge the achievements in the last decade and remain passionately focused on advancing the rights of the most marginalised in our communities, such as takatāpui, rainbow disabled whānau and refugees and asylum seekers. There is plenty more work to do.”
Polkinghorne says that for rainbow, takatāpui and MVPFAFF+ people to live their fullest lives, as a society, we must move beyond concepts of “tolerance” and “acceptance”.
“Our grassroots community leaders and organisations are doing the hard mahi to uplift, support, cherish, and embrace our identities.
“Many schools, workplaces, and communities are on the waka, championing diversity through anti-discrimination policies. This work must be prioritised and resourced appropriately; we all have a role to play in creating more affirming spaces.”
Polkinghorne says he is reminded that some youth have never known a time before marriage equality. They will grow up with equal marriage being normalised.
“Our rights are human rights, and we hope rainbow, takatāpui and MVPFAFF+ communities will feel empowered by this progress.
“Understanding our history enables us to approach the future knowing what has come before us. There are lessons to be learnt from our rangatira as we support, heal and campaign together.”
Tamati Coffey, Tim Smith
Rotorua’s Tamati Coffey agrees the rainbow community’s history needs to be taught, noting we still have a way to go.
“Our surrogacy laws are under reform to create equality in our system so rainbow couples can grow their whānau too.
“Currently, Government funding and access is still inequitable for rainbow couples compared to straight couples.
“We must apply an equity lens across the board. We are doing well, but there’s always more to do.”
Marriage equality was never about “gay marriage”, the Labour Party List MP says.
“It was about having an equal status for marriage in the eyes of the law and all members of the community, not just straight people.
“Now that we have equal status when it comes to getting married, our relationships have been validated by the law and thus by the community at large - that’s how it should have always been.”
He and partner Tim Smith met on a night out on K Road and have been in a civil union since 2011, and now have two children - Tutanekai, nearly four, and Taitimu, nine weeks.
They plan to marry when their son and daughter are older and can be part of the ceremony.
“We have not graduated to marriage yet. We will.
“Because civil unions were a halfway measure at a time when we didn’t have marriage equality as an option. Now we do, which is great, so we are waiting for the right time to take the next step.”
Sandy Scarrow, Arls Foster
Taking that next step up is something Sandy Scarrow, 60, and Arls Foster, 64, did as a “human rights statement”.
Their lives didn’t change when they got married in 2015. They’d already been together for two decades, and in a civil union since October 23, 2011 - the same night as the Rugby World Cup final.
They had their ceremony at Tauranga’s Somerset Cottage, then afterwards the party moved to their house, where everyone watched the game on bleachers made from scaffolding.
Twelve years later, the pair, who have a three-legged dog called Sparky and two cats, Fatty Boy and Rufi, say formalising their union not once, but twice, was significant because it was something they’d been denied “in a largely heterosexual world”.
“You’d go to other people’s weddings and - while I was happy for them - go, ‘It’s all right for you, but we can’t do that’, and that was quite pervasive in my life. I would think about that a lot,” Foster says.
“You didn’t articulate it though, eh?” Scarrow questions.
“Not really, that’s the way it was. Suck it up.”
Both women were out on the streets fighting for homosexuality to be decriminalised, and Sandy submitted to the parliamentary process on marriage equality.
Activists carried New Zealand through that heavy period of social change and the world is still “very polarised”, which was highlighted by controversial anti-transgender activist Posie Parker’s visit to New Zealand last month, which stirred a spike in online hate toward the trans community.
Likewise, two couples interviewed in this story expressed unease at continued judgment from some churches on gender orientation and sexuality.
Law and religion
However, church congregations are increasingly feeling social pressure, says lawyer and University of Waikato lecturer Dr Juliet Chevalier-Watts, co-director of the Waikato Public Law and Policy Unit.
But some contemporary religions are growing and bringing spiritual elements and different viewpoints to the fore.
What’s more, more churches are seeking to be registered as charities, or ensure that they maintain their registered status, and with that comes accountability.
“There are certain ways in which religions can come up against social pressure, and charity law can be one of them, to say to religions, ‘What you’re doing is not acceptable in this contemporary society that we have’.
“We see that religions, generally, are under the spotlight with social licence pressure.”
Some other organisations are also finding it difficult to be charities because of one-sided views which did not advance education or have a community benefit, generally.
As far as religion goes, Chevalier-Watts says it’s still a fundamental part of human society and that’s unlikely to change, but “day-by-day, week-by-week, religions are beginning to take note of it and realise that some of what they preach is not going to be acceptable”.
“If they want people to still come to them, they have to think carefully about what that social licence entails, and it all underpins that.”
The start of more progressiveness
For Skye Colonna, 43, who runs rainbow events in Tauranga and identifies as queer and pansexual, there is support from religious entities.
“We’ve had several churches and congregations that offered support during pride events and are actively supporting the rainbow community.
“Sometimes it feels like there’s not as much progress in the last 10 years, but I think you don’t have to look too far to find supportive people from all walks of life.”
For parents of rainbow children, that support and change is huge.
“The fact they don’t even have to question whether they have the right to get married, or whether they have to worry about any legal technicalities if their [future] partner is hospitalised; that is a massive win.”
Skye’s son Peter Colonna, 17, is Otumoetai College’s first openly queer head student and says he and his friends were surprised it had only been 10 years since the equal marriage law.
“For a lot of us, it’s been forever, we thought. We’ve been raised in a more accepting world,” he says.
“Activists have been trailblazers and paved the way for the acceptance to be fostered through my generation.
“In their time, they may have not seen the effect, but we’re seeing it now. We are free to be ourselves because those people risked their reputations - and even their lives, sometimes - for what they believed in.”
Colonna helped found the school’s Queer Student Alliance (QSA) and The Stonewall Club (a direct reference to the 1969 Stonewall riots). The group provides education, events, guest speakers and a safe space.
Their hope for the next 10 years is that it will become easier for people to be who they want to be.
“We’re just always fighting to be seen. We’ve got the laws, but a law can be in place and someone is still not going to follow it, or a government can change and things go back to how they were.
“Love is the most powerful thing in the world, and when you open your heart to love, you realise there are more important issues than how, and who, we love.”