Nickie Muir: Secrets from the front row

Nickie Muir.

News of the All Blacks security breach came via my parents in Thailand - from Al Jazeera.

It featured somewhere between the image of a young Syrian victim and yet another tirade from an orange man with big hair - who on a good day would get chucked out of any bar for being drunk and disorderly - and who could well have his finger over the nuclear missiles of the US of A by November.

When I'd finished laughing my head off, I paused to reflect what could possibly be heard from listening in on a bunch of rugby heads in their hotel room and who would do this on purpose.

Do the All Blacks have the answer to how the world's most powerful nation could be collapsing under its own stupidity?

Could it be that the All Blacks are negotiating between Assad, Putin and the rest of the world and they're on the brink of brokering peace in Syria?

Luckily I know the answer, because the Far North allows me clear access to the satellites that carry all our information and I can successfully hack into anything I like. Which is how I intercepted these key comms which I now publish for the common good.

Email from Women's Action and Nurturing Kollective: "We would like to report that we have successfully bugged the All Blacks' room and expect that you are now listening in to get any form of intelligence you can from rugby HQ. Good luck with that.

"We ask that in future you do not require us to wear maids' uniforms so that when we answer the door we are not greeted with: 'Are you the strippers?'

"We would like it recorded that the rationale for groping us while we did the vacuum cleaning was: 'If you come in here dressed in maids' uniforms, what do you really expect?' We would like to wear burkas next time - or preferably dress as men."

Transcript from Rugby HQ:

"Should we shave our legs?"

"I don't know. Would that make us faster or just gay?

"Mmm. Y'know - we should just dig in and err ... take one for the team.

"And never forget that Richie - was a legend. A legend man of legendary legend making."

(There was a pause here - they seem to be in group prayer - there is a whispered "Amen".)

Rugby voice:

"Hey you maids - can you get me some muesli? I like muesli at this time of the morning. What do you mean you're the cleaners? What happened to women and multi-tasking?" (Maids appear to be speaking in a foreign tongue.)

"Right boys - it's really important that we dominate play. It's a big ask, but you know this game will be down to the wire and I think you'll find there's strength in depth. At all times remember that you can't run without your legs and that it will definitely be a game of two halves."

(Maids appear to say "No S#*t Sherlock" - but muffled at this point).