Kevin Page: The Covid 19 coronavirus redundancy axe has fallen

I could mow lawns, paint something, start a boy band, stock shelves at the supermarket, pick fruit, be a kids party clown, dog walker etc. I'm sure there's something out there. Photo / Getty Images

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So, in these crazy and unprecedented times, the redundancy axe has fallen . . . on my foot.

I refused to let it take my head off. I couldn't see the point?

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No sense me losing my rag, running round when I'm not thinking straight firing off all manner of conspiracy theories and crying over why I should have got one of the few jobs on offer in our restructured team. Not for me anyway.

I understand my reaction and the way I'm dealing with this might not be for everybody. There will be thousands of people aboard the soon-to-embark good ship Unemployed. And I'm sure there will be plenty in a worse cabin than me, if you get my drift.

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It's just I'd rather steer towards the sun than the ice.

A quick aside here. Thanks to the many readers who messaged me with best wishes for the interview process. I doubt even Rod Stewart gets as much fan mail, even with Mrs P writing to him twice a week.

Right. Now it's time to get on with it. So where to from here? We've identified two things that really matter.

Firstly we're looking at our budget.

I'm giving up the daily moccachino which hasn't been too difficult in lockdown if I'm honest, and certainly quite helpful to the waistline. Having said that I'm sure BP Wild Bean is sending out subliminal messages. I can hear a voice in my head saying, "we're nearly there. come back soon".

Oddly Mrs P says the same thing is coming from Briscoes.

When I casually mentioned my coffee was a lot cheaper than her weekly item from Briscoes, even if it is always on sale, I got The Look. I'm sure you know what I mean.

So, without going into it in great depth we've done I think what most people in this position do and cut back to the necessities only. Hopefully that'll see us through to the upward side of the alert levels and we can reassess.

The second thing we've looked at is what next in terms of employment.

For now this weekly column has become my only means of income, even if it is just a McDonalds Happy Meal a week - with fries if the boss is feeling particularly generous - so I require all and every reader to bombard the editor with emotion-filled pleas to retain it.

Pictures of cuddly puppies and kittens with stickers on them saying "Please keep Kevin" would also help. In return I promise to make you splutter into your cornflakes each week.

Luckily, I am also employed fulltime by the Mrs P Employment Agency which has found me weeks of work at its home address. Have to say the "money" is very good. Ahem.

Beyond that there are a few immediate options for those of us in the same boat.

I could mow lawns, paint something, start a boy band, stock shelves at the supermarket, pick fruit, be a kids party clown, dog walker etc etc. I'm sure there's something out there. And once this crisis starts to taper off who knows what opportunities will emerge.

For now I'm gonna hop along on my one good foot to see if Briscoes or BP Wild Bean will sponsor a newspaper column.

Who knows there might even be a daily moccachino in it.

• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to kevin.page@nzme.co.nz .