The other day my local barista took things up a notch as I walked in. "I want you to find me a girlfriend," he said. Photo / Getty Images
The other day my local barista took things up a notch as I walked in. "I want you to find me a girlfriend," he said. Photo / Getty Images
Down the road from where I live is a little bakery. I sneak off there - my current girth would suggest it's a fairly regular occurrence - for a coffee and potato topped savoury most days.
The place is literally five minutes there and five minutes back which means thebloke in control of the machine has the perfect five minutes to make my coffee so I can get back just before my morning tea break ends.
That makes a daily visit a no brainer in my book.
Anyway, over time my whirlwind visits have led to some interesting interaction with my mate behind the coffee bar.
It started with me bursting through the door and telling him a joke as he made my cuppa.
Lately we've been discussing all manner of things from the weather - "It's so cold I think the potato on my savoury might be frozen" - to politics - "Simon who?".
Then the other day he took things up a notch as I walked in. "I want you to find me a girlfriend," he said.
Now obviously I was a little surprised at the request.
Firstly our relationship has not previously strayed beyond the professional, basically in case he is distracted and my mocchachino becomes a soy latte or some other insipid caffeine-based beverage, heaven forbid!
It all boiled down to one thing. We both wanted something. I wanted coffee and he wanted a girlfriend. Except I think he might have wanted a bit of sugar with his. Photo / Getty Images
Secondly I wondered what about me made him think I would be able to fulfil such a task.
I mean, did he think my winter sensible, fleecy-lined tracksuited appearance indicated I was some sort of suburban pimp with a long list of ready, willing and able ladies able to step into the role he was offering?
Having said that, my East End of London roots started rumbling deep within and I spied an opportunity for gain.
"How about I find you a girlfriend and you give me free coffee for a year," I ventured. "Six weeks," he shot back, deadpan.
For a brief moment a friend came to mind. She had casually mentioned a few days before it would be nice to have a special someone to share outings, go to dinner etc.
I wondered what she would think if it all panned out and she discovered I'd effectively traded her for six weeks of free coffee. I mentally slapped myself, hard.
"Three months but with a potato topped savoury thrown in" I threw back with a laugh as I gathered my cuppa and headed home.
Three months but with a potato topped savoury thrown in" I threw back with a laugh as I gathered my cuppa and headed home. Photo / Getty Images
Later I filled Mrs P in on the brief moment of jest and learned a bit of a valuable lesson.
Yes, she agreed there was a humorous side to the chat but pointed out it was not really appropriate even if I viewed it as "guy talk".
She's right of course. I do agree women have had enough and sometimes we blokes, even old farts like me who mean well, forget ourselves.
So in future i will try harder and try to stick to bringing jollyment (is that a word?) to our world.
But to sum up the little chat with my mate at the bakery. Quite simply it all boiled down to one thing. We both wanted something. I wanted coffee and he wanted a girlfriend.
Except I think he might have wanted a bit of sugar with his.
• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to kevin.page@nzme.co.nz
