On Sunday morning when I awoke expecting breakfast in bed, a pile of gifts and a completely lazy day, all I got was a cup of coffee. Photo / 123RF
On Sunday morning when I awoke expecting breakfast in bed, a pile of gifts and a completely lazy day, all I got was a cup of coffee. Photo / 123RF
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Dear Jacinda Ardern,
I am writing in the hope you can do something about Father's Day - more particularly the abuse of said day in my household.
I note you and your mates in Parliament are big on the wellbeing thing. In my opinion this request fits perfectly with thaton the basis that I'm missing out on any wellbeing.
I would like you to legislate to make Father's Day observance mandatory, even when you don't have any kids left at home.
I should perhaps explain that all four of our children have flown the coop. One even has a child of his own so his wellbeing is just fine.
But because they have all gone I feel I'm missing out. That can't be right can it?
On Sunday morning when I awoke expecting breakfast in bed, a pile of gifts and a completely lazy day, all I got was a cup of coffee.
Admittedly it was a cracker. Mrs P does a great coffee which usually sets the day up nicely. Naturally with a bit of caffeine on board I bounced out into the kitchen only to be met with a rather unusual "gift".
The list of Father's Day jobs resulted in mishap on the lawn and a mess in the laundry. Photo / 123RF
There was no bacon and eggs, no umpteenth pair of socks or even a hand written voucher slash IOU note with To The Best Dad In The World scrawled across it.
All that was in front of me on the kitchen bench was a list of jobs needing to be done.
I'm sure you get the picture Prime Minister. You probably give your Cabinet a similar set of jobs each week. You know what I mean: Take out the rubbish, mow the lawns, do the garden edges, sweep out the garage, wash the cars etc etc.
Naturally I objected.
It was Father's Day, I reminded Mrs P Perhaps she had forgotten.
This was not a day for me to be handed such tasks.
Sure, I might be able to generate just enough interest to take out the rubbish but the rest of the day was likely to be spent in quiet contemplation of a snooze in the sun and/or a bit of footy on the telly.
And while the kids were absent I felt that did not mean we should forgo the traditional full-on roast with all the trimmings for tea.
"You're not my father," she said firmly as I started to cry, er, I mean protest. And besides, she said I'd done sod all the day before, which I have to admit was correct.
I didn't really have much of a comeback for her comment. And so I sulkily set about clearing the list.
Some hours later, when I discovered my testicles had grown back, I decided as the man of the house I would put my foot down and do what I wanted. And so I lay down on the freshly mowed lawn in the sun for a quick snooze.
Later I discovered Mrs P had, in fact, prepared a sumptuous Father's Day-type meal for the two of us so all was basically forgiven.
On that basis you may be wondering Prime Minister why I want you to do something about it. And quickly if you don't mind.
Basically I want a law change or anything that will take her mind off the mess I've just made in the laundry.
When I laid down for my snooze in the grass I didn't realise I sat in a pile of dog poo and I've not been able to get the stain out of the shorts she bought me for Christmas.
Regards Kevin In the poo - literally.
• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to kevin.page@nzme.co.nz .
