As it is she'd have to wait a while for the kitchen floor Mrs P has just cleaned to dry, but when we were able to walk on the floor without fear of suffering bodily harm I'd be able to make my point.
Let me explain.
In our house we have a set routine when it comes to the division of labour. Basically, I look after all the things that need doing outside like the lawns and, er, well, all the other things that need doing outside that I can't think of right now. Oh, and I get the mail out of the letterbox and ... um ... did I mention the lawns?
Anyway. Mrs P looks after the inside stuff most of the time.
Regular followers of my weekly warblings will know my beloved is struggling with some health issues, so naturally I am happy to add to my extensive workload by taking on some of the interior chores when the need arises.
We have a routine for that occurrence too.
Essentially, it goes something like this. She asks. I moan about it. We argue as to whether men or women do the most work. I lose. Do the job. Sulk. She redoes it. Gets annoyed. And somewhere about three hours later all is forgiven and we laugh about it over a cuppa. Till the following week.
So, this week, as one of my add-on tasks, she's asked me to empty the dishwasher. And there I am emptying it of what seems like every single pot, pan, plate and utensil in the house.
In fact, there is so much I have a feeling the neighbours have been sneaking in at night and putting their own dirty plates through, too.
Among all this we do seem to have a huge number of plastic containers. And this is where the problem is. For me.
Now, if you can imagine please, here I am in my kitchen exhausted from doing my lawn. Well, okay it takes me only 10 minutes because it's the size of a postage stamp and yes, the grass isn't growing too fast at the moment – but I did get the mail too – and I'm battling to empty the dishwasher.
And I'm sulking. So I'm throwing my toys, by which I mean all these plastic containers, a bit. Well not exactly throwing, but perhaps "vigorously placing" them on the kitchen bench.
Those of you that have engaged in this activity before will know these containers have a little lip on them which helps fasten the lid down.
The only thing is this lip gets water under it and you can't get it out or get a cloth in there to dry it.
It seems the only time this water is prepared to come out is when you toss the container on the bench. Even then it tends to make a break for it and go all over your wife's recently cleaned kitchen floor.
Not a flood of biblical proportions you understand, but enough to tip a domestic goddess over the edge. Particularly one who is already peeved that she had to ask for help in the first place.
Sound familiar?
Technical excuses such as "the dishwasher should have dried them" get The Look as the mop and bucket reappear in the kitchen for a second time and my "To Do" list gets a bit longer.
So, this is why it's the Government's fault.
I read somewhere the powers that be are going to ban various plastics over the next few years. Maybe even the stuff they use to make the pesky water-holding containers found in most kitchens.
Banning them can only make home life that much more enjoyable .... and less wet.
Harmony at home means harmony throughout the country, long walks with your beloved, sunshine, laughter and a good pash whenever you both fancy it, even if you are in the frozens section at the supermarket.
The banning plan is a good one. But it will take way too long to implement. Ban the containers causing all this trouble now I say. Today even.
A wait of a few years might be too long. I'm not sure Mrs P won't have done away with me before then.
So if this column is missing next week ring the cops. Just saying ...
• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to editor@northernadvocate.co.nz (Kevin Page in subject field).
