Kevin Page: Farewelling a 'dear friend', multiple online offers of wealth and manhood enhancements

The good news - A lady called Cindy has been in touch and wants to be, er, "friends". Photo / Getty Images

ON THE SAME PAGE

There is something of sombre note to my column this week.

Normally I would not venture too far from the comedic tones that have brought me fame and fortune these many years but I'd like to say a few words about a friend I farewelled recently.

My friend is moving on due in part to a decline in business fortunes.

The bad news - farewelling a friend who is moving on due in part to a decline in business fortunes and a need for cost cutting and all that. Photo / Getty Images

It was a reasonably swift decision, brought on by a need for cost cutting and all that, but we got a month or so to spend a bit of time together. Still the end was quite sudden. Literally, there one minute gone the next.

We first met in 2002 about the time of the football World Cup. We just hit it off.

We would catch up most nights. Even if it was just for an hour or so.

We spent a lot of time together that first year and, if I'm honest, it continued for many years after.

I know there were times early on when Mrs P felt I spent more time with my friend than her but I also know in the end she grew to accept our friendship and see it not as a threat but necessary for channelling my spiritual and emotional wellbeing in the right direction.

There were also times when I spent more money than I should have, particularly when my friend's business was ailing. Again Mrs P was supportive. I'll always love her for that.

This week after I'd waved my friend farewell Mrs P was by my side, assuring me everything would be alright.

There would be other friends, other ways to explore personal enrichment, she said.

I'm not so sure.

I don't think I'll ever get over having Sky TV cut off.

THE GOOD NEWS

Anyway, on the brighter side I have just discovered I am $6000 richer.

A nice man in Nigeria will deposit it in a Bitcoin bank account for me once I provide a few details.

And an iPhoneX is apparently winging its way to me very shortly as is my opportunity to take shares in a marijuana selling business, pick up free wine, groceries and take an overseas holiday.

It seems it's only good news for me today.

I've also been given 100 free spins in an online casino operation, the IRD wants me to send my details so they can send me the huge amount of cash they are holding for me and a pharmacy in Canada is confident they can help increase the size of my manhood.

Good timing. A lady called Cindy from some adult company overseas has been in touch and wants to be, er, "friends" too.

I'm not sure I'm too happy that "Gary" is contacting Mrs P with a special coupon offer (I've heard some corny pick-up lines but come on ... ) and I am genuinely delighted with the tone of the congratulatory email from Apple telling me the computer I lost has been found and they will return it - just as soon as I can provide them with my details.

I might have to check with Mrs P first though. I don't recall ever owning an Apple computer or indeed applying for a loan with a Chinese company which also needs my details to verify my successful application for $20,000.

I'm sure Mrs P will tell me I have never bought or owned anything like that or indeed had so much luck in the hour from 7am to 8am on a Monday morning.

She'll probably also tell me not to go surfing the junk email inbox and I need to delete it all.

■ Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to kevin.page@nzme.co.nz .