Regardless, the mere suggestion that it could be possible was enough to send My Beloved – and a fair few other women around the country I’ll wager – into a state of near hysteria.
But, because she’s a glass half full kind of gal, Mrs P is determined to eke some positives out of the calamitous state of affairs. Accurate or otherwise.
To that end she is writing to the boss of Briscoes suggesting she would be the perfect choice as the next Briscoes Lady.
Having helped her write the letter it’s hard to argue with her. Which of course I wouldn’t anyway if I didn’t want to find my early morning coffee suddenly tasting of washing up liquid. If you get my drift.
Anyway.
In her letter, Mrs P is quick to point out she is of the same vintage as the current Briscoes Lady and has experience in front of the camera.
Incidentally, I’m told the Christmas play put on by the Tokoroa East Primary School in 1968 was one of the first to be filmed on what was then one of those new video camera thingees.
Mrs P has been completely upfront when it comes to the talking bits The Briscoes Lady has to present.
She accepts sometimes her accent can sound a little ropey but she’s willing to work on it. At no cost to Briscoes obviously.
Mrs P has also visited every branch in the country – at least once – and can tell you what 60% of $169.99 is without using a calculator.
She understands it is necessary to keep up with regional trends so is prepared to visit every store again – at her own cost of course – to “familiarise” herself with each and every item, discount and store placement.
To save the company money she would be happy to tow her own caravan around on this tour and park it in the carpark so she’s on site for opening each morning. Mrs P feels this would be a very sensible move.
She’d also happily have her caravan painted in company colours with “Briscoes” painted on the side too. Naturally, she’d be happy to pay for all that herself.
My beloved has also come up with a suggestion as to how Briscoes could improve its market share.
She’d be very happy to test drive any items Briscoes sends her way, be they towels, pillows, sheets, kitchen utensils, crockery, air fryers, coffee makers, you name it.
A quick aside here.
If Briscoes could see their way to sending her an electric razor to try it would be helpful. Mine just gave up the ghost last week. Mind you, I did buy it when I first started shaving so it’s probably been due for retirement for a while now.
But I digress.
I should also point out here I did wonder aloud what the remuneration for the job would be but that went down like the proverbial lead balloon with The Woman Who Still Makes Me Smile.
As far as I can make out through the speechless spluttering, which was accompanied by a look of complete indignation at such a suggestion, one should be happy to do this job for free or, at the very least, offer Briscoes 40% off her starting salary.
Finally, of course, Mrs P has covered her bases if she’s got it completely wrong and The Briscoes Lady is actually planning to stay on for another 30-plus years.
She’d be happy to be known as the cousin of the Briscoes Lady if that helps.
As long as she can still get 60% off something, anything, anywhere in the country whenever she wants.
